A Baby I Pray . . .

One Year Ago . . .

2011-09-15T07:39:00.004-04:00

One year ago today Charlie and I were waiting in the MFM waiting room. I was so nauseous I ran to the restroom twice to throw up . . . from morning sickness and anxiety! So many times we've gone into the u/s room and listened to a deafening silence where there should be a steady, rhythmic "thump thump thump". This time we heard that sound that brought us both to tears.

And now I'm playing with him on the floor! God is good . . .

4 months

2011-08-27T13:18:00.003-04:00

My love is four months today!! I visited my friend Jen who gave birth to boy #2 on Wednesday in the same room I delivered Luke in by the same OB! That's some good juju ;) My boy continues to be the light in my eyes and the love of my life. Words do not even come close to articulating the love I have for him. *sigh*
::
He's had a few rough nights lately - teething and a growth spurt, I believe. He's drooling up a storm and a little cranky. Overnight he's been waking every two hours or so - poor boy :( And mommy is soooome tired too. However, I'm not complaining. I did buy him a Baltic amber teething necklace through Ama.zon but by Inspired by Finn. I love the look of the necklace but better than that is I think its working already. He's been wearing it for about a week however I take it off at night - I did put it on his ankle but it slips right off, so I've gotta figure something else out for nighttime. I also swaddle him too for naps and nighttime but the swaddle blanket I love is too short for him now and it only comes in one size. It's called the Miracle Blanket and the main thing I love about it is that it is velcro-free. I found that the velcro of the Summer brand swaddlers startled Luke. So I've gotta re-learn how to swaddle properly with a reg blanket. I also may just pick up a sleep-sack to see how he does in that without being swaddled. As I type this he is napping without a swaddle and has been for 1.5hrs now (YAY!!). We'll see I guess.
::
So far I am exclusively breastfeeding and loving every single second of it!! I love the time I share with him. I find myself just staring at him for the entire feeding. He is so amazing! I have been thinking about starting solids but am really wait to see those big signs that he is ready for them. I am going to use the baby-led solids method. I have found a book that I absolutely love! I am a bit of an information geek - it's called "The Wonder Weeks" and it shows all the expected growth spurts and what you can expect to see in mood or behavior from your baby leading up to the spurts! So cool! It makes sense of all those fussy periods and such - you can literally check off all the gains your baby makes!
::
In all things Luke, he continues to be the best baby ever! He is rolling over from his belly to his back. Doesn't seem interested in his back to his belly right now - doesn't much care for being on his belly so once he's placed there he pretty much immediately rolls back. At his 2 month appointment (which really was at 12 weeks because my ped gave birth to her own child) he weighted 12lbs 3oz and was 25 inches long. :) We have his 4 month check up on Friday and I'm so excited to see what his stats are. I go to a bf'ing support group on Tuesdays where we can do weight checks but I haven't been in about 3 weeks so I'm not current on his weight. I also think he's about 27ish inches long. He's such a long baby - and lean too!
::
At this bf'ing group the LC has asked me to speak with another mom who is having some difficulty with supply. Not sure if I've told you but I love love this LC. She is amazing and the best cheerleader I've ever had! It's so cool to be on this side of the bf'ing stress and to be helping someone else along their journey :)

I've gotta run, my love just woke from a nap. Happy weekend everyone :)

Mamaama Jamaama!!

2011-08-19T18:32:00.005-04:00

So, if ya'll didn't know this already, having a newborn means your life is crazy busy. Crazy busy with breastfeeding in all, that is. I pretty much have Luke at my breast every couple of hours or so. In between time he is busy napping at my breast or on me or we are playing for a little while on the floor. I sometimes get out to run some errands and I go to a bf'ing support group once a week.

He'll be 4 months next Saturday!!! And as of a month ago he has gone on a complete bottle strike! Meaning he only eats from ME. I love it but I was still supplementing his calories with a 4 ounce bottle of formula every night but obviously I am producing enough or he a) wouldn't be gaining weight, which he is, and b) would be screaming with hunger all day. Neither of which is happening. Now, I am still taking the herbal supplements, the rx med and drinking the nursing tea (6 cups a day!) and I feel like I am just producing enough for him. I am not really making the time for pumping right now. I need to start doing this to freeze some for when we start solids. I'm going to start solids according to the baby-led weaning/solids style. For the record, I still offer a bottle every night (okay, maybe not every night but most nights) with formula but he pushes the nipple out with his tongue and nuzzles his head into my chest. We also have tried my husband offering the bottle, Charlie offering the bottle with me out of the room and even his big sisters offering him the bottle and he cries and pushes the bottle out of his mouth. I must admit that I love that he only wants me for feedings - THIS does not get old and it goes by way too fast.

I cannot believe he's already four months!! Our finances are super tight and if it were solely up to Charlie I would be back at a full-time outta the house job and Luke would be in day care but that's not happening. I'll settle for dirt poor for a while if it means I get to be with him 100% of the time. I've only left him alone with Charlie once to go get my hair cut a few weeks ago. And since he doesn't take a bottle it looks like that won't happen anytime soon. :)

Really, it's all I asked for and so so so much more. I cannot even BEGIN to explain how fulfilled I feel. How totally exhausted I am most of the time but I am loving every second of being Luke's mom. He is my life and I thank God every day for him.

Featured!!

2011-08-08T13:47:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone! My IVF journey to Luke & my blog is being featured at Krissi's blog here at stressfreeinfertilityblog.com . . . very cool!! I'm also sending her some other *friends* success stories links too. I hope to see others up there as well. Thanks Krissi! You're doing a great job inspiring and empowering others on this journey to motherhood!

Breastfeeding & trouble with low supply

2011-07-27T19:03:00.005-04:00

I need to start by saying that bfing has not come 100% easy to me but I wouldn't change it for the world! I came home from the hospital with a lower GI bug and to be on the side of TMI, I really didn't want to have ANYTHING come out that end of my body. So just as my milk was coming in I pretty much stopped eating solids because it lasted for about a week :( bleck! So not eating and not sleeping much tanked my newly established milk supply. When we had a weight check at the 1 week appointment Luke had dropped to 7lbs 11oz. Not bad & since my milk had just come in they didn't worry. Then a week later I went to a bfing support group meeting and Luke had dropped to 7lbs 8oz!! Eeeeeeeeekkkkk!!! Panic sorta sent in . . . no, it really set in. I was so scared!! The LC brought me into her office and found his tongue was tied but gratefully she got me right in to the ENT and they snipped it right then & there. Yep, they needed to have the mum sit down because I almost passed out!

Once that was taken care of the LC had me pumping and nursing every three hours regardless of time - yes, wake him up to nurse and man was I committed! I recorded every ounce pumped and every poopie diaper and every wet diaper and the times of each . . . and at the next bf group he gained only a couple ounces. The LC then had me start all the herbs (fenugreek, blessed thistle, fennel) and nursing tea. Whew! His weight gain was slow. I then added formula supplements 2-3 ounces every feeding - his wt came right back up to birth weight by the 4th week of life (one week of supplements & formula). And then . . . my milk rebounded! YIPPEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm also now on domp.eridone as well as the supplements and tea but Luke doesn't need formula any longer!! Although, I offer it every night but he turns it down :) I totally love that because I feed totally accomplished right now!!

I also LOVE bfing!! I just stare at him and snuggle him and just love on him during that time. It's truly amazing!! I wouldn't change anything for the world!

I need to run but first, a picture of my guy from a few weeks ago!

Work

2011-06-24T16:55:00.003-04:00

My husband & I have agreed to give up my paying job to stay home for a little while with Luke (and Sophie, for that fact). I am so excited about this but it is a bit bitter sweet too. Well, only a little :) Really, it's because my job share and new position fell through but also because Charlie & I have made the decision that Luke's IVF cycle was our last cycle. He is going to be 54 years old in September and we have spent a ton of money on IVF period. Especially with the two miscarriages, there are lots of emotional "funds" exhausted as well. So with all of that in consideration, he is more empathetic with me wanting to stay home for a bit with our little one. YAAAYYYYY!!!!!

We are in serious need of pinching our pennies or making the most of our current funds and Barbara (Charlie's oldest) is headed to Bates college in the fall. YIKES!!! Good thing she had received lots of scholarship $$ making it significantly less expensive for her to attend.

It all makes our heads swimmy and is slightly overwhelming but I am loving the mommy job. Luke is a dream :) More on that in the next post. I've gotta go feed him now as I can hear him starting to wake from a nap . . .

Some pictures of my beautiful boy

2011-06-24T10:21:00.019-04:00

Birth story continued . . .

2011-06-22T18:51:00.003-04:00

So just after midnight on Wednesday April 27th I was admitted & assigned a room. They got me set up and it took 2 RN's and finally a 3rd RN and SEVEN STICKS to land a very uncomfortable IV line. Sheesh! I have never had such a difficult time setting an IV line in my life. I was praying that it was not foreshadowing of what was to come :/ But as soon as it was set I wanted in the tub hot with the jets going full force. My contractions were ramping up and I was having some pretty good back discomfort. My nurse was amazing and set me up in the tub. I moaned and swayed/rocked through the contractions for about 4ish hours until I got to about 6cm. I had asked for Nubain at about 4cm & it allowed me to mellow out for a couple hours & rest in between contractions . . . I think it actually slowed them a bit but by that time I was okay with it because it was 6ish in the a.m. and I had been awake for 24 hours and still had a lot of work ahead of me.

By 6cm I wanted the epidural because I did not want to go through transition without pain control. The anesthesiologist came in and set up my epidural and I was a happy camper. My parents arrived and so did Charlie's girls and I was okay to visit with them all. The only thing that pissed me off was that they wouldn't allow me to EAT!! Anyway, as time ticked on I felt increasingly anxious . . . like my heart was going to jump outta my chest and my skin was crawling. Then I was itching like crazy and big red welts showed up. Yikes! The OB thought I was having an allergic reaction to the epi so they suggested they change out the epi med. At that point she checked me and I was still only at 8 cm. I was stuck at 8 cm for about 3ish hrs so they started some pitocin. Only, I started to feel the contractions . . . not just feel them but I was having back labor like WHOA!!! Then baby's heart rate dropped. They flipped me on my sides then on my knees and I was not tolerating the pain however, when they told me Luke's heart rate was dropping I was 100%!!! What do I need to do to save my baby?? That's all I could say or think. The anesthesiologist came back in (this is all a bit blurry) and suggested that when they changed the epi med the pump didn't work and they threw the oxygen on my face and I did some serious deep breathing - Luke's HR came right back up. The docs FINALLY got that straightened out and I started progressing again but still pretty uncomfortable.

Again, this part is a bit blurry, no sleep, pain, drugs, emotions, etc. My parents watched that whole drama-filled process and were a serious mess. I could hear my dad crying and my mom asking questions. Charlie stayed right by my side which was exactly what I needed. My parents were sent to dinner and I got to 10cm, ready to push!! Perfect, just Charlie & I there to welcome our boy into the world :) The OB directed me to try a practice push to see where I "stood" with epi & control of my pushing muscles. She said "You push like a champ" and that was all I needed to hear! I was determined to get my baby here as quickly as possible - I was sooooo excited to meet him!! I pushed for only 20 minutes and I helped deliver my boy!!!!!!! I cannot believe it!! He was amazing, alert and looked right at me when I put him on my chest. So so so so in LOVE!!!

He's perfect in every way. More and more every day . . . I still find it hard to believe he's here. More to come later . . .

Finally!!

2011-06-14T19:34:00.004-04:00

Okay, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth but I have had my baby :) So without further delay . . .

Introducing, Luke Alan VanDerburgh!!

Wednesday April 27th, 2011

8:24 p.m.

8 lbs 7 oz, 21 inches

It's been a little crazy around here since giving birth AND I've been without a computer. Super bummer because I have an old cell and am unable to update my blog from it. So, let me tell you a little story :)

I saw my OB Monday April 25th for my regular 39wk appointment. She stripped my membranes, which really didn't hurt as much as I was warned by a couple friends. I was slightly crampy and spotty that day as expected. However, Tuesday I started having pretty regular contractions that got more consistent throughout the day so I stayed home from work. About 8 p.m. that night we started timing the contractions and I called the OB's office (about 11 p.m.) because they were about 2-4 min apart but not terribly intense or uncomfortable. The midwife suggested I come in to get checked out. At this point Charlie and I hadn't even packed our bags yet for the real deal so we grabbed a few things and hopped in the car. On our 2 min drive over he said to me, "You know, they'll probably just send us home." Yeh, I thought, like you're the one feeling these damn things and really knows what the hell is going on but I reserved that for an inside thought and agreed trying to think conservatively.

We arrived around 11:30 p.m. and the nurses welcomed me to the triage area to hook me up to the monitors. Before I sat down on the gurney I asked to use the restroom - a 39wk belly presses heavily on that bladder :) But when I sat down I heard & felt a "pop" but no trickle or gush so I figured it was my hip or something. I got back to the triage room & told the nurse about the pop and she asked me to change into the pretty gown to hook me up but as soon as I sat down I said, "Hmmm, either I'm peeing myself or that was my water that popped in there" and she checked out the fluid with the strip tester and sure enough, MY WATER BROKE!! Yeehaw!! I was so excited that everything was starting on it's own!! She said, "Well, let's get you admitted because you're going to meet your baby soon" and I was all too excited about that fact! That gave Charlie a boost of energy too and we both were super excited!!

To be continued . . . .

37 weeks!!

2011-04-15T07:40:00.002-04:00

Oh my goodness!! I've carried this baby boy to full-term!! Still can hardly believe it!! I will say that I had always thought I would not complain close to delivery that "I am ready for this baby to come" but boy I am some uncomfortable! Only because my hips have relaxed (to prepare my pelvis for delivery) and I walk with a wonky hitch in my gait AND it's pretty darn uncomfortable. Also, I think he is dropping because I have a grinding pain on my pubic bone - btw, that just started this morning! I had felt some slight discomfort on my pubic bone previously but nothing like this morning. Last night Charlie treated me to a Mommy-To-Be massage at my FAVORITE spa here in the Portland area - Lucinda's in Cumberland. Every other massage I have ever received has been while I was in migraine and have only had head, neck, back, shoulders deep tissue concentration. This time there was a special table/pillow that allowed me to lay on my belly to have my back, hips, etc. worked on!!! Then when you flip over the pillow cradles your body perfectly so your hips & legs are supported. Oh! I cannot say enough!! It was so yummy!! Just the right amount of pressure and head to toe! SERIOUSLY! I could have one every stinkin day if only I could afford it :) My birthday is next Saturday so this was my early b-day treat. Currently my ankles are pretty swollen 24/7 and I've switched to wearing my wedding rings around my neck because they are not-so comfortable on my finger. So I've got a bit of fluid retention but nothing too crazy. My bp was also up last visit on Tuesday to 138/80. Wasn't alarming to the OB so I'm not worrying too much. Baby has been moving around in his little space pretty well but I feel like he might be feeling just a tad cramped. Movements feel more like stretching and flip-flopping side to side rather than anything else. As uncomfortable as it is at this point I still love every second I feel him squirming :) I cannot believe how close I am to meeting my little man. You cannot slap the smile off my face! I have decided that his room will not be painted in time for his arrival and I am SO not stressing about it. He's not going to care one bit because, let's face it, he's going to be in my room for the first few months anyway and really will only care about the boob and clean diapers! All his clothes and blankets and bedding are all clean I just have to organize/hang stuff up and get the diaper/changing station ready. I'll be working on that this weekend. Mom & Dad are coming down tonight, mom's birthday was last Saturday and mine is next Saturday so we are celebrating tomorrow. Brock & Heather and their lil family are joining us tomorrow. I wanted to take my mom for a mom n' me pedicure for our b-day's but not sure that'll happen . . . we'll have to see how the day goes. I do want to get some more simple, basic cleaning done this weekend but we'll have to just see how it all goes. I've got a baby safety class on Sunday 9a-1p and a breast feeding class on Monday night from 6-8p :) YAY!!! And really, he can come at any time too! So exciting!!

36 weeks & a baby shower!!!

2011-04-08T07:42:00.003-04:00

Holy moly!! I'm 36 weeks and 2 days today and still pinching myself to make sure this is all really happening to me!! So so grateful!!

So, it's hard to believe but my 3rd baby shower was last weekend at my mother-in-law's house which is literally two streets up from my house. So convenient! I had mostly family from my husband's side which are more local than my family attend including some very dear friends. Some friends actually drove 2+ hours to attend the shower! It was really nice to be surrounded by so much love and support. I got lots of loot too! Luke will be well clothed for some time ;) My mom had so much fun planning and did WAY more than she should have but there really was no stopping her! She's been on this IVF roller coaster with us and I know her heart breaks when mine does so I was not getting in her way! :)

And you know, we never got a picture of she & I together at the shower! Nor Charlie & I! Sheesh! I was totally enjoying my guests though and so was she so I didn't want to interrupt. We'll snag some before Luke arrives - I hope!

So here is my 36 week update.

How far along: 36w2d today!

Total weight gain/loss: +20 lbs total so far!

Maternity clothes: Ubetcha! All things maternity!

Stretch marks: Nope! Still! Good genes I guess!

Sleep: Getting more difficult. My back/tailbone has started really hurting pretty much all day and sleeping is tough with the discomfort. Actually, really doing anything with the discomfort is getting tough! I sort of wish I had one of those adjustable beds so I could incline myself & getting out of bed 50 times throughout the night wouldn't be so hard but oh well :) It's for a short period of time yet so I'll take all of it!

Best moment(s) this week: I'm onto weekly OB appointments and Monday I had my cervix checked for the first time (along with the GBS test but no big deal there). She told me my cervix was nice & soft and "pointed in the right direction" tipped facing out so all signs my body is getting ready :) I spotted all day Monday and Tuesday and was really crampy! I hadn't had any BH contractions since like week 24 but the internal def kicked those in. I was timing contractions Tuesday night & Wednesday night because they were so frequent. By the second hour of contractions they were getting slightly uncomfortable. But after 9 p.m. they pretty much stopped. Again, they started up again the following night & continued last night too but I think I'm getting to the point where I'm able to do less physically throughout the day. Like work a 9 hr day then come home & clean or laundry or walk the dogs, etc., etc. My ankles have also turned into full on cankles from shortly after I get up for the day until that time the following day. Yuck! My hands/fingers are also puffy but my bp has been perfect so I'm just chalking it all up to typical end-of-pregnancy discomforts. Afterall, in just a few days I'll be considered full term! YAHOO!! And really, he can come any time. I still feel like I need to get some more stuff done before he arrives but really, if he decides to come now, all he'll really need is clean diapers and me (aka the boob!) so in that regard I'm ready (I think :) ). Still need to remove wallpaper in his room and paint but if it doesn't happen until later, I'm ok with that! I did install the car seat (just have to have it checked out to make sure it's done right) and did all his laundry but I have a list for Charlie & I this weekend.

Oh and my mom's b-day is this weekend and mine is two weeks from hers so she & dad are coming down on the 16th for a celebration! FUN! And hopefully, we'll get a few more items knocked off my to-do list too!

Movement: Yes, but he's def running out of room & those movements are getting slightly more uncomfortable. No complaints though! I love feeling him move in there!

Food aversions/cravings: No real aversions or cravings. But starting to really want ice cream again. He's also dropped a bit so there is more room in my belly for food - not a good thing but makes for more comfortable meals!

Milestones: Um, 36 weeks is a pretty big milestone but the showers, OB visits, "practice" contractions . . . all pretty big stuff!! So so grateful!!

34th week update!!!

2011-03-22T13:56:00.002-04:00

I can hardly believe I am celebrating my 34th week of pregnancy tomorrow! I need to pinch myself - I am just so, so grateful! A lot going on for us this past week and coming up . . . my head is slightly swirly.

How far along: 34 weeks (tomorrow)!!!

Total weight gain/loss: holding at 18 lbs.

Maternity clothes: Um, ubetcha, maternity EVERYTHING!!

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: Yup, still difficult. The Bop.py body pillow is WONDERFUL!! When I am sleeping, it helps me get and stay comfortable. I am getting up to pee every two hours but it's not so bothersome with the pillow - I am falling right back to sleep. Although, I'm pretty much awake at 4:30 - 5 a.m. every morning, then I seriously crash by 1 p.m. . . . like now, I am really no good to anyone. I'm surprised I'm able to formulate sentences that are coherent.

Best moment this week: Okay, so not really baby-related but still sort-of is. We FINALLY finished the bathroom!!!!! I LOVE it!!! I purchased all the accessories (rugs, storage, etc) on Sunday and still need to put up a couple cabinets BUT nothing major. Makes me giddy! Now we can start on the baby's room . . . I pray! Also, Charlie accepted a new job last Thursday & started it yesterday. Nice income boost will help us all around. He REALLY needs to clean his work sh*t out of the baby's room so we can start to transform it into the nursery . . . especially since we have our baby shower at church this Sunday and the family & friends shower the following Saturday. I mean, where are we going to put all the swag we bring home? I am totally feeling the nesting piece and getting slightly impatient with the amount of stuff that still needs to be done in the next 6 weeks. And that only gets me to my due date . . . what if he decides to come early?????

Movement: Lots! Example is right now, he is stretching and pushing against my cervix/bladder at the same time as pushing against my stomach & rib cage. It's like he's starting to feel cramped in there and trying to stretch out. Yowza!! Still, I love every second of it!

Food cravings/aversions: Fruits & vegetables are my bff's and sweets are making me nauseous. Third trimester nausea is with me most mornings & some evenings. Also, if I have too much sugar.

Weekly wisdom: I can't even think of any wisdom right now. I just wanna sleep . . . zzzzzzzzz

Milestones: Seriously, making it 34 weeks is a milestone in itself and I am oh so grateful.

Oh so tired!

2011-03-15T14:05:00.003-04:00

Oh my goodness! If I hadn't been sleeping through my 1st trimester already due to migraines I would have remembered this fatigue! Holy moly! Not only is sleep a long-lost battle with having to pee every 1.5 - 2 hours but by 2 p.m. I am complete toast. I understand the sleep trouble - good training for what is to come. However, now I can stumble back to bed after peeing and fall back to sleep. In a mere 6-8 weeks I'll be awake having to function by nursing my lil man. I'll take the trade-off though. Actually, I cannot wait! Cannot wait to see his cute little face and meet this guy. Today, I asked my boss if I could start my day earlier so that I can get out earlier AND still be productive at work. He gladly obliged. So starting tomorrow, I'll be in at 7 a.m. and will be able to leave by 3:30 or 4 p.m. The small snacks throughout the day do help a bit - making sure they are not high in sugar or nutritionless carbs combined with a little protein.

Speaking of work, it is great to work on a regular basis although I still have migraines daily but on a much lower level. Most of the time I can fight it with some Exc.edrin Tens.ion (which was ok'd by my OB) and keep pumping lots of water into my system. I'd rather be peeing all the time than in migraine pain deep! As for my impending maternity leave, I have only like 20 days left of my FMLA which will include maternity leave so it'll be up to my boss whether or not he will approve the leave of absence for however long the OB will write me out for AND I will request the full 12 weeks because I have worked WAY TOO HARD for this baby for me just to up & hand him over to daycare at 6 weeks (potentially). Personally, I think he is way too afraid of being sued (which I would never do unless the infraction was especially egregious - and legally, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on) for anything and I think he does really feel I am a valuable member of the company. My bff at work is working part-time because she is a full-time mom with kids 3 & 5 y/o. In order for me to work part time too when I return from leave, she & I are going to job share my current 40 hr position - she is currently in a temporary position. She would take 12 hrs/week (her current) and I would work 28hrs/week AND keep my medical benefits because let's face it, the benefits is the only reason I'm returning to work. Yuck!

Although, Charlie is exploring some job opportunities out in his world that include a pay raise and better benefits. I think it would be enormously helpful to our little family considering Barb heads off to Bates in the fall and we are welcoming Luke soon. We are already struggling to pay bills with my difficulties working full time with all these damn migraines. A pay raise and potential job growth for him would be huge! I will continue looking to get back into the field I was laid off from when I took this "ok" position. I'd LOVE to be back in school nutrition for so many reasons.

Most of all though, I AM SO EXCITED FOR MY POSITION TO START - Mommy to my lil man!!! I'm going to LOVE that title!!

32 week update!!

2011-03-11T19:28:00.003-05:00

Geez louise it's been a while since I've updated! In the meantime, my family welcomed my new nephew to the world!!

Introducing, Grayson Albion Wilder!!

He is a spitting image of my brother (although he's a bit sleepy in this picture). He's so sweet! He was born after only 1.5 hrs of labor AND 9lbs 6oz 21inches long!! Holy shit! Heather is my hero!

Life has been busy with this new little bundle and keeping the 2.5 yr old Jaxson entertained. But, lots has been going on with me and my little one too!

How far along: 32 weeks 2 days today

Total weight gain/loss: 18lb gain total (eek!)

Maternity clothes: Uh, yeah!

Stretch marks: Nope

Sleep: Becoming difficult. I just picked up a Bo.ppy body pillow tonight and cannot wait to try it out. I'm seriously up to pee every 2 hrs. I guess that's practice for what's to come!

Best moment this week: 32 wk growth scan on Thursday. They estimated Luke at 5lbs 4oz already which is in the 75th percentile and his femur measurement estimated him in the 91st percentile for length! We Wilder's grow big babies!! If he keeps this growth up he could be 9-10 lbs at birth . . . holy moly! I can't really wrap my brain around that one yet!

Movement: Lots! Now big rolls and body parts are poking out of my belly like some sort of alien but I'm loving every single second of it!

Food cravings/aversions: Still fruit is my friend but sugar items are no longer making me nauseous which isn't helping my wt gain :( Also, I'm running out of room for meals, so I've switched to small meals or frequent snacks.

Belly button in or out: I have a pouty little lip, or at least that's what Charlie is telling me it looks like :) It is def poking out but not a full outy yet.

What I miss: Nothing really! I am loving every second of this pregnancy. Not sure if I'll get another one so I am soaking it all UP!

What I am looking forward to: EVERYTHING!! We've got our birthing class on the 26th, our church is throwing us a baby shower on the 27th, my family/friends shower is on April 2nd. It's all so exciting. I have to pinch myself all the time to remind myself that it's all really happening!

Weekly wisdom: Slow down and enjoy this short period of time. *sigh*

Milestones: Get this! I've noticed that I'm leaking a small amount of colostrum when I get out of the shower! Yeah! My body is doing what it is supposed to!! CRAZY!!!!!!

Today is 1st baby shower!!

2011-03-03T12:40:00.002-05:00

OMG!! The girls at work have shuffled me off to set up for my 1st baby shower!! I am on a break from work just to get back & party it up with baby gifts and such. How nice! The remainder of my day is shower, OB appointment, then off to Waterville to welcome my new nephew to this world!! Yup, Heather is being induced today (actually, it has already started) and I hope to make it there in time to be part of her push-team! So far, my mom & Brock are with her and her mom's bff (not sure if I mentioned this but Heather's mom had passed away from breas.t ca.ncer when Heather was only 8 years old so her mom's bff has been a pretty big part of her life in the maternal fashion). All of the rest of Heather's family is out of state so we are lucky enough to be able to surround her in love and support for them. They are all on stand-by via text messages and facebook - very cool with all this technology! My dad is chillin with the J-man and playing up a storm until I can get there to either relieve him or join the family at the hospital. I can hardly contain myself with all the happenings of today.

I am so grateful for the beautiful girls here at work. They have walked the last two IVF cycles with me and have surrounded me in love & support. And they could not be happier for Charlie & I to be expecting little Luke soon. Speaking of which, I have 62 days left until my due date! I can hardly believe it all. I am LOVING the pregnancy and enjoying every second - even through the migraines. Not sure if I'll ever have a chance to experience it again so I am FOR SURE soaking up every second! I'll recap my shower & give all the 31 week updates in a few. OMG, 31 weeks?!?! For real!???!!!?!?!?

The Going's-On

2011-02-22T17:47:00.004-05:00

I've been pretty busy as I'm sure the rest of the world is . . . at this moment, Heather is 3.5 cm dilated and 75% effaced and her midwife massaged her cervix at today's appointment (ouch, sounds not-so-comfortable). And as I was on the phone with my brother she said she just lost her mucous plug. I may have a new nephew in the next 24 to 48 hours!! With Jaxson, she lost her mucous plug in the morning, contractions slowly picked up as the day progressed and she had Jax at 11:29 that night. I might get a call later on tonight to come to stay with the J-man overnight :) that wouldn't be the worst thing - hehehe. Very exciting stuff!!

My mom ordered my shower invites this weekend . . .

What do you think?

(of course I smudged out the host address and such)

Yahoo!! Things are starting to come together! I prepped the bathroom walls & primed them this weekend. There were so many spots to repair the plaster walls and soooo much wallpaper glue on the walls it took forever! Now to pick up the wall & trim paint along with the mirror/medi.cine cabinet. I'm reusing the light fi.xtures but repainting them and changing out the glass on them. Next weekend (if we don't have a nephew to shower kisses & love upon) mom & dad will be coming down to help with the beadbo.ard - along with bringing my brothers jigs.aw and sawh.orses for me to borrow. Maybe even the nai.l gun too! Fun, right? I actually love doing this stuff. The hubs wants to like it but really just doesn't have the patience to learn this stuff. That's ok, he makes the meals in the meantime. I'll take that! ;)

And, oh my goodness, I am 30 weeks tomorrow!!! I'll update as soon as I can. Right now I have a migraine and this is pretty much all I can muster up. Hopefully it'll pass VERY soon.

28w3d - holy shit!

2011-02-12T07:35:00.004-05:00

I need to pinch myself on a regular basis - I'm stuck with pinch bruises but hey, not so bad ;) I'm on a wonderful high because of the fact that I am 28 weeks and 3 days pregnant with my miracle baby boy *sigh*. I'm overwhelmed on a regular basis with love for him and gratitude for this amazing gift.

Last Saturday was Heather's shower. I was GREAT and she was surrounded by lots of love and support. It was beautiful! Towards the end of the shower people were departing, Heather's co-worker (an ultrasound tech) asked me if I'd like to go over to the hospital to have an ULTRASOUND!!! EEEEEEEKKKK!!!!! It was so great! Youngest stepdaughter was with me, mom was there, my grandmother, Brock, Heather, and Jaxson were all there. Bummed that Charlie was in Portland but I had him on cell phone during the "show". She did some 4D views and worked really hard to get some good pictures. We saw him swallowing and smiling and frowning. Hiding his face and just wiggly is general. :) I fell that much more in love with him. There wasn't a dry eye in the room! Here is one of the pics:

So, here is my 28 week update (I've been a bit of a slacker here of late).

How far along: 28w3d

Total weight gain/loss: 10lbs at the last visit but I'm pretty sure this next visit will be different!

Maternity clothes: Yup, both pants & tops. I also think my ass is getting bigger so I might have to find some new jeans soon.

Stretch marks: Nope! :)

Sleep: Oh, fatigue has found me once again. I love sleep but get up about 3 time during the night to pee and I will be searching for a preggo-pillow to make things a little more comfortable.

Best moment this week: My "black-market" ultrasound was pretty freakin cool :) AND, my girls a work are throwing me my first baby shower!! EEEEKKK!!!!! I feel so lucky!

Movement: Yes! I love it all!! Every second!!

Food cravings/aversions: Not really. So far so good but I will say, food does taste really good!!

Belly button in or out: In but shallow with a little ridge that sticks out :)

What I miss: Not a thing right now! So happy to be in this moment!

What I am looking forward to: I have an OB appointment on Monday then every two weeks after that!! The shower at work! Birthing classes coming in March. Working on Luke's room!!

Weekly wisdom: I've really been focusing on staying present in the moment and getting back into meditation to help relieve work stress (anxiety attacks) and manage migraines better.

Milestones: Third trimester!! Holy cow!! The home stretch!!

Symptoms: Slight achiness in my lower abdomen - on either side. Slight swelling in my ankles in the evening. Oh my absentmindedness!! I have been told I'm getting "baby-brain"! Words are hard to find sometimes.

So so blessed!!

Crazy busy!!

2011-02-04T07:48:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it makes my head spin when I'm this busy but busy is not necessarily a bad thing. I'm back at work, finally, and migraines are suspended for the moment. Both VERY good things! I've started a countdown calendar at work until my due date and yesterday was 90 days! Holy geez!!! Time is now flying!!

Heather's shower is tomorrow and we are expected to get more snow mixed in with a little sleet and freezing rain to start around 2 pm which is when the shower is set to start - eeeek!! Hopefully she'll have a good turnout so she can feel the love and support from her friends and family. Heather and Brock have been had BIG projects in their house over the past 2.5 months that have totally stressed her out. Now that the loose ends are, for the most part, tied up she can focus on baby coming in the next four weeks!! So excited for them both!!

For now, that is my brief update. I'll check in later this weekend with MY pregnancy updates :)

Happy Weekend All!!!

GD test results, No.rwalk virus, bathroom upgrades - OH MY HOLY HELL!

2011-01-20T17:54:00.001-05:00

Well, the glucose tolerance test resulted in a 138 . . . needs to be under 140 so the OB wants me to repeat the test at 28 weeks. Not bad, the drink was yummy - super sweet but yummy. I just hope the numbers were higher due to the virus I was coming down with later that day rather than gestational diabetes. Oh yea, the Norw.alk virus RIPPED through our house at the same time that we were without a bathroom due to upgrades we had scheduled. Both Charlie & I had to run down two flights of stairs to go to the basement to, uh, shall we say, empty our cramped GI tracks every 20 minutes. Holy hell, it was awful! I was dehydrated going into this virus I kept popsicles going just so I could keep something in there! Luckily we only had to go without the upstairs toilet for that one night but it was bad!!!

Anyhoo! On to the bathroom upgrades! We had our seven layers of flooring ripped up - unfortunately I'm not joking. There were 7 layers of flooring & subflooring - BIZARRE! New subfloors and new flooring laid, new throne, new vanity (total score deal on this piece!), drywall over a useless closet (by useless, I mean totally useless - it was all of 3" deep! - not exaggerating). We'll tackle the finish work. We'll be wainscoting the lower 4' of the walls and painting the upper portion of the wall, trim, ceiling, and adding a cabinet or two to the walls along with some other fixtures. Hopefully this won't take me too long to do because after all, I have a baby's room to strip of wallpaper and paint!!! And, yea, Charlie is, uh, not so helpful in these areas. He's horrible at painting - so sloppy! I don't want to have to pick up more after him than I could after myself! That's just the truth, ya'll. I married a chef, not a carpenter!

On top of all this going on this week, I've had TWO anxiety attacks this week!! AND nothing but teenage girl dramz in the hiz-ouse. I totally get why I'm having a boy, because I've had to co-parent two teenage girls God wants me to have a less drama-filled road with a boy (that's what I'm told anyway). Holy hell again!! This is madness!! I don't remember this much dramz when I was 13 & 17 . . . and mom tells me it wasn't that bad but SERIOUSLY folks!! This is where my fantasy condo would be SOOOOO appreciated!! I want nothing to do with it! I totally get that they are insane at this age . . . but how do you get through it without going insane yourself?!?

Glucose tolerance test tomorrow

2011-01-16T17:11:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I see the OB for a regular visit but I'm also doing my glucose tolerance test then too. Never done one before so I'm not too sure what to expect other than the usual comments of super sweet drink to gag down then wait to have blood glucose labs drawn. Charlie is not going to be there with me tomorrow because he's working. Not that I need him there to hold my hand or anything. I do have a few more questions for her. LO is moving around quite a bit and his movements are feeling stronger. Still loving every bit of that!

We also have a contractor coming in to start work on our only bathroom tomorrow. This was a gift from my generous parents. Finally having the toilet & plumbing replaced and flooring replaced as well as ripping out our existing vanity and replacing it with a smaller more manageable piece. The new vanity we found at Lo.wes today for a ridiculous deal! I just LOVE getting a deal on something like this! It has a granite vanity with an undermount sink. Very simple mission style cabinet & drawer. Just love it! Can't wait for a new toilet that doesn't rock when you sit on it or get up from it AND new flooring!! Gosh, our bathroom has been ripped up for so long now . . . I'm so relieved that it'll be done before Luke arrives! We are doing the finish work (bead board, painting, shelving, new mirror, new lighting, etc) but that shouldn't be much more than a couple weekends worth of work (I hope).

On the migraine front, I got a great treatment from my FIL last night but since have been IN migraine. Utterly frustrating! Sounds like things are getting interesting at work (not in a good way) and I NEED to have a paycheck coming in. Not sure what else to do . . . I also don't want to use up all my FMLA time for THIS so I have none in the spring when Luke arrives. URGH!! I can hardly get out of bed for my doctor's appointments much less actually be productive at work for a 45 hour week.

23 weeks!

2011-01-08T18:16:00.005-05:00

Wow!! I can hardly believe I am 23w3d today and even though I have migraine pain daily, I am LOVING every second of this miracle! Gratitude is the word that I have given for this pregnancy. Today, I finally allowed myself to purchase a few things for baby boy. A little newborn sleeper bib set, a set of 5 onesies and a lil velour hoodie that came with footed pants with lil dogs on the feet. So cute! Considering it's been so long since I have posted a weekly update, here we go:

How far along: 23w3d today!!

Total weight gain/loss: Still holding at 10# gained (total) at the last appointment

Maternity clothes: Yupper! Even my regular pj's t-shirts are tight on the belleh now! hehehehe

Stretch marks: Not yet

Sleep: When migraine is not with me sleep is good but it's hit or miss and I take it when I can get it.

Best moment this week: Working on my registry! Fun, fun, fun!

Movement: Yes, and so reassuring! I love feeling this lil guy moving!

Food cravings/aversions: Still loving fresh fruit & veggies! The more the better but my GI system may disagree :(

Belly button in or out: In but shallow :)

What I miss: Not much! I am soaking it all in while I can.

What I am looking forward to: Hopefully some relief in the migraine dept. but not totally banking on any of that right now. I am looking forward to spending some time with my brother & SIL (not to mention their lil monkey Jaxson) tomorrow. I really need some time with them!

Weekly wisdom: Slow down, enjoy the moment - it's all I've got and I want to remember this time!

Milestones: We have chosen a name . . . are you ready family and friends?????

Baby Boy VanDerburgh will be named . . . . . .

Luke Alan VanDerburgh

Luke is unique to my family/friends and Alan is after my dad!! He was so touched when we told him. It doesn't take much to break him into tears these days! :) And if any of you know my dad you know he's been waiting a loooooong time for grandbabies!! And he gets three within 2 years! And he just retired! So he's living on cloud 9 these days.

Right now, Charlie is making us some pub burgers for suppah and it smells soooooo flippin good! I gotta run to fill my baby belleh!! Peace ya'll!

Hanging in there . . .

2011-01-07T17:37:00.003-05:00

Migraines are still with me. Art has treated me three times since last Friday. I'm feeling really exhausted and short of breath with very little exertion. I think I might be anemic again which could be causing the fatigue and shortness of breath. I am now keeping food down thanks to the Pri.losec but still have no appetite. I am definitely feeling low because of all this crap. Not to mention I'm out of work again due to the migraines.

Luckily baby is doing well. I'm not liking the fact that some days he's busier than others. I love the busy days but the lazy days make me nervous. My belly has popped and is now obvious that I am pregnant :) My belly button gets sore with his movements and the size of my rotund belly bumping into things (and it's getting really shallow too!). My t-shirts are tight on my belly (pj's t-shirts) a Charlie often says "Wow! You're pregnant!". Not that I mind all that! I'm pretty sure he'll be able to feel the lil kicks if I can get him to put his hand on my belly in time. That's the hard part right now - still so erratic with his movements. Baby is busier in the evenings than mid day. Last weekend I was having some cramping which I attributed to the fact that I was dehydrated and heaving so I laid low and tried to drink as much water as I could stand and they went away within a few days.

I have also started my registry at Ta.rget and will fill in the remainder at BRU. It seems a little bizarre to ask for so many things but I guess that's what they are for, right? I am helping my mom plan my shower (as well as working on Heather's shower) because she's really doing both and by the time mine rolls around Heather will have a newborn & a 2 y/o. She really won't have time to help mom out. I don't mind - the whole surprise thing is overrated anyway. We'll get Heather's shower taken care of first and then will focus a little more on mine. It's exciting to do all this though! Now, if I can just get these migraines to pass! I'd enjoy everything a bit more ;)

Here we go again

2010-12-31T18:03:00.002-05:00

Yup, after not keeping anything down for 24 hrs my OB wanted to see me ASAP. Migraine is still with me. She took me out of work until I see her again on the 17th. Recommended with this time off I start acupuncture and osteopathic manipulation rather aggressively to try to find relief. Dr. Parso.ns also felt that the nausea and vomiting is mostly from GERD (with migraine contributing) and told me to go back on Pril.osec to resolve that issue. I'm pretty dehydrated with vomiting and diarrhea (cramping is not fun either) and really need to keep fluids in me.

Luckily, my FIL is a retired osteopath and treated me today and will see me consistently over the next few weeks. Yay, no co pay! And he's really good too!! I'll be scheduling my acupuncture visits Monday. I feel good with this course of action.

On a very sad note, our friend in the bloggy world Jen from Maybe if You Just Relax lost one of her twins the other night. Please send her some love and prayers and support. I just can't wrap my brain around it.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T11:19:00.002-05:00

Oh thank the Lord I am migraine free for 2 days now!! YAHOO!! I'm able to work & shop for the remainder of my gifts for Charlie today! Gratefully I only work until noon today (yea, busy day at work as you can tell!) then I get to brave the last minute crowds & frantically wrap tonight after church.

So incredibly grateful for all that 2010 has brought to me. Reminds me of this bible verse that so aptly speaks for my heart this season:

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Although he's not *here* yet, I feel him all day kicking and moving and letting me know there is life inside me growing daily. I feel so much gratitude for this gift, this blessing it is hard to articulate in words.

For those who are grieving this Christmas season, I am with you in heart. I can say I feel your pain. The days will get brighter as long as you walk through it. I am so glad to feel the sunshine again and am more grateful than ever to have it back. It means more now than it ever has.

Merry Christmas, my friends and family. Blessed are we! King of Kings, God of Gods! Is born tomorrow . . . He lives!

Ouch

2010-12-22T20:01:00.002-05:00

There is something just so draining about chronic pain. It sucks your energy, eats away at your days, takes you away from your family, makes you irritable and snappy, and just plain ol sucky. I am enjoying the fact that I am 21 weeks preggo. More than you know or I can express. But the days upon days on unrelenting pain is killing me. Hubs keeps telling me to keep my eye on the prize, which he is talking about baby boy. That is not the part that is killing me - it's the daily migraines. Not just headaches. We're talking daily puke-fest because the pain to so intense. Crying fits because I want to just dig out my own brains with a splintered wooden spoon. Forcing myself to eat because baby needs nutrition but also so that there is something to throw up when the time comes. Yep, this is a bitch fest tonight. No way for me to get around it. I'm alone in this. In the pain. In the dark room for 22 hours a day. Alone.

Gratefully, baby is doing well. Curiously, they say I was 21w1d on Monday (which would be 21w3d today) but by m y records I should be 21w0d today. What do you do when their numbers are slightly off from yours? Which should I be going by? I mean, baby is measuring about a week ahead so should I go by that? It just throws off my stuff! ;) I'm glad that he's is progressing well and that none of my migraine pain affects him or his well being. I'm also painfully aware of how my well being affects my gestating baby. There are all too many articles around mother's depression, stress and anxiety & it's negative effects on the gestating baby. Ugh.

I love this time of year too. It's tough to be so disconnected from it. I have only done a bit of shopping online. Partially because I'm not bringing in much $$ because of my lack of work but also because I cannot see through the fog of the migraine. I can't shop if I'm not even able to work. Charlie is off today through New Year's and has done most of the shopping for the girls. I won't be meeting with my family until after the new year so I have some more time to do the rest of that shopping. Plus, I'll find some good sales!

I pray I'm feeling better tomorrow. I really want to feel better again.

Another 14 days

2010-12-19T15:52:00.003-05:00

of migraine, that is. Today is day 15 of which every day I've had migraine. I wonder if I'm headed towards the next 6 week stint of ST.D. I pray I'm not!

Pain has been much more intense these last 14 days which is really pulling me into the deep. Gratefully, it's much more shallow than in the past considering I'm pregnant with my lil boy. By the way, I'm feeling LOTS more movement and this plasters a smile on my migraine-filled face. The fio.rocet is really not working at all. So far only the occasional Adv.il has provided some relief. Short lived relief but some nonetheless.

I see my lil one tomorrow! We have an ultrasound scheduled for 8 am to finish up the cardiac measurements AND hopefully get some profile pics too! I'm feeling much more relief from the negative results on the AFP labs that came back last Wednesday too. I see the OB directly after the u/s for my usual 4 week visit. I have a few things to discuss with her but they are exciting still. I just hope migraine will give me some time to return to work after the appointments. I haven't done one bit of Christmas shopping that isn't online yet. Charlie went out today to grab a few things for the girls. Gratefully he has done the shopping for them this year. Last year, I finished on x-mas eve then ended up in the ER due to migraine. Because of crappy insurance coverage I have not gone in for these unrelenting migraines up to this point. I'm not sure whatever treatment they would offer would really rid the migraines for more than a few hours.

On another note, I'm planning my SIL's baby shower! Sort of, her sister has been tapped for the "hostess" duties but she lives about 4 hours away and her life is a tad busy right now. So my mom & I have decided to come into the process and plan the majority and let her handle the food. After all, it should be a fairly small event being a 2nd baby and all. They really just need a few essentials. I suggested a combo-shower for both her and I but she and my mom put the big kibosh to that notion. They are both insisting on me having my own considering how hard it's been just getting to this pregnancy. I guess I appreciate that but I've never really been a person who needs to have my own "party" per say. It's a spring of celebration nonetheless! So exciting!

Now to folding laundry! I've been seriously neglecting the duties for some time!

20 weeks & vaso.spasm

2010-12-15T17:13:00.002-05:00

I'm 20 weeks today!! Yahoo!! Half-way to meeting my little boy!! I'm feeling more and more tumbling, punches and kicks every day. I also got the AFP lab results back today and they are NEGATIVE! So relieved! This means the isolated CPC we found on the u/s is just that - isolated. There is very little chance our boy has a chromosomal abnormality. Whew! I wasn't really stressing about it but to get the negative AFP I feel even better about it all.

Unfortunately, I've been in migraine since Monday of last week with only a few days of some relief. I've also only worked a couple hours since then as well. Urgh! That is stressful AND that it is the holiday season and we really could use the money. Anyway. I'm exhausted talking about migraine.

One thing I have been experiencing lately pregnancy related is vasospasm. All I can say is OUCH!! When discussing it with the OB she told me it usually happens (if at all) during breastfeeding but can happen during pregnancy. I haven't had the blanching part totally but they turn blue and red and I need to get heat on them ASAP to help reduce the pain. Hopping in the shower helps most immediately but I've already started wearing breast pads AND I'm already wearing bras 24/7. I also avoid getting a chill at all costs but let's face it, it is December in Maine . . . not like it's been warm or is likely to be warm for some time. At least I know what it is now and how to treat it. The first time it happened a few weeks ago (9 weeks ago to be exact) I called my SIL to see if she had experienced anything like it - nope, she hadn't. Nor had my mom. So I mentioned it to the OB and over the past two weeks I've been experiencing it more often. Again, a hot shower helps, breast pads help (I'll be picking up wool ones too) regardless, a hot rice bag/or corn bag helps too. I've also used an electric heating pad (over my bra & shirt, of course). Wow, though! It's really painful! I'm so glad I have some tools so if it happens while bfing, it won't be a deterrent.

On the planning note, I have picked out my crib and bedding! Mom wants to pick up the bedding and I think my grandmother might be giving us $$ to buy the crib unless she orders it for us (which I doubt). I also think we have a name picked out but I need to give Charlie a little more time to let him believe it is the best name for our little monkey! Can't wait to start painting and decorating the room! Also, I get to start our registry in the new year! eeeeekkkkk!!!! I know just about everything I think I want for car seat, high chair, stroller, carriers, etc. So exciting!! Oh and Betsy B, we will most def be using disposable diapers and a friend of mine mentioned a diaper coupon website that'll deliver! I need to look into it more and when I do, I'll post it. I'm not sure if I'll register at BRU or Targ.et or both. Still thinking about it . . .

It's a . . . .

2010-12-10T17:52:00.002-05:00

BOY!!!!

You could've knocked me over with a feather because I was "sure" we were having a girl!! But I could not be happier!! I don't know if anyone can make out the "parts" in the ultrasound pic but for us IF-oldies it's glaringly obvious! ;) When the sonographer scanned over this I blurted out "Oh my God, it's a BOY!" and she confirmed! So in love!

The overall u/s went well, he's actually measuring 20 weeks and I was 19 weeks exactly at the time of the u/s AND is 11 oz already! He was being a little stubborn and really like laying on his left side and wouldn't give them enough views of his lil heart to get all their required measurements. Even after making me walk around and perform some gymnastics stunts on the u/s table . . . looks like he's already as stubborn as his mumma! We'll have to go back on the 20th to finish all the cardiac views they need - no big deal on my end, I can't wait to see the little bugger again!

The sonographer left the room and returned with a genetics counselor and one of the high-risk OB's. Hmmm. I expected them to tell us everything looks great, which they did, however, they added a little something. As it turns out, my baby boy has a choroid plexus cyst on his brain. It's developed in the part of the brain that normally produces the cerebro-spinal fluid. A totally normal-ish cyst. However, they told us that there is a very very small chance it could be a marker for a chromosomal abnormality. Usually it is accompanied by other indicators in the u/s . . . for example, bowel issues, cardiac issues, off head measurements or mal-formed skull all of which OUR baby does not have. So, they have called it an isolated choroid plexus cyst which has a less than .5% chance of ANY chromosomal abnormality. Whew. I am somewhat relieved. They offered for me to take a blood test to see if there are any other indicators that would potentially correlate to the abnormalities (i.e. increased or decreased hormone levels). I did have the quick lab drawn and will get the results at the next appointment. The only test that would tell us 99.9% of any chromosomal abnormalities is the amnio and at this point they do not recommend that, which itself carries a 1 in 300 risk of miscarriage. So the only way we would proceed with an amnio is if the high-risk OB recommends it. Which I feel he will not.

I am going to try not to worry about it - especially with the very small chance of issues, I'm fairly satisfied with what we know now. And I'm going to celebrate my miracle baby boy and start the shopping and naming process! I feel like I can REALLY start planning now! So excited! And most of all, so blessed!

Another neurology appointment & no new info

2010-12-04T17:43:00.002-05:00

I saw the largest neurology group in Maine this week and met with the same NP I had 7 years ago. Basically updated her with life and migraines over the past 16 years and where I am today. Unfortunately the only "new" info provided from the neurologist was that I qualify for Bot.ox treatments which is really still quite experimental on migraineurs. The nearest doctor they could recommend is out of Portsmouth NH and I'm not tremendously interested at this moment because of the pregnancy and hopefully the BFing I'll be doing in the next year. She mentioned that I was a "very sophisticated" patient who "knows her stuff" regarding potential medical & alternative treatments for migraines. Ya think? It is fully debilitating and takes me completely out of my life for days at a time. One of the alternative treatments I have not tried with a practitioner is bio.feedback. I may look into this in the upcoming year. She really didn't this the chiropractic neurologist would offer me anything spectacular if the OMT by the osteopathic doctors did not provide any long lasting help so I am reconsidering the very expensive course of treatment come the 1st of the year.

Other than that I have been fighting migraine for over a week now HOWEVER I am 18w3d today and felt some real flutters and bumps today that I can no longer deny are baby. I had been skeptical up to this point because of my anterior placenta and my extra belly fluff but no more. I am fo realz feeling baby movement. Makes my heart swell and my eyes well up with tears. I'm also showing more than just looking pudgy - an actual baby bump! I haven't done a weekly update in a while so . . .

How far along: 18w3d

Total weight gain/loss: 10# gain so far

Maternity clothes: Pants yes, shirts some but need to go shopping for more tops

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: interrupted by at least 3 pee breaks but not complaining. I will be picking up a body pillow soon

Best moment this week: Feeling baby bumpin around in there AND we find out baby V's gender this week!!!

Movement: YAY!! Finally feeling some baby bumps in there!

Food cravings/aversions: Whoa has the hunger kicked in!! I am hungry a good amount of the time and craving lots of foods (which scare me a bit because I don't want to gain too much excess weight). Mainly craving salty foods - no ice cream but olives like CRAZY!!

Belly button in or out: In but def becoming more shallow :)

What I miss: Not much - I am soooooo grateful to me pregnant!!!! I am loving every minute - migraines and all.

What I am looking forward to: We have the BIG anatomy scan on Wednesday at 8 am!!! We'll find out if baby V is a girl or boy!! EEEEKKKKK!!!!

Weekly wisdom: Gratitude!

Milestones: Movement - baby flutters and kicks!!

Symptoms: Boobs still sore off & on but BIG!! I really have increased in size! HUNGER!! Most of the time. Round ligament pulls and twinges/aches. Baby bump. MOVEMENT!! Heartburn - yuck! Belches - yuck! Sore and puffy feet at the end of the day. Puffy fingers - all could be due to salty foods too!

So yes, December 8th we'll find out the sex of baby and I continue to pray that she/he is healthy and happy in there! So grateful!

Oh Me Gosh!

2010-11-23T18:29:00.002-05:00

As my friend Cheryl's almost 3 y/o says instead of "oh my gosh". I'm going to be 17 weeks tomorrow! So grateful for so much this year. As I type this I am on the upswing (I hope) of a migraine. The OB allowed me to take 400mg Ad.vil about a hour ago. Already feeling better. Ty.lenol is a bit of a joke for migraines and they give me rebound migraines if I use it too often. Oh well. I saw the OB yesterday and it was great.

Charlie was unable to attend this one again because he was out of town so I made a point to get his schedule prior to scheduling the next appointment. However, my parents came down for the appointment and while there was no ultrasound at this appointment they heard that gorgeous sound of the heart beat. I met with Dr. Parsons first alone to ask a few questions. Mainly about an amnio . . . I'm just nervous about our risk for potential Down's. Even though our risk is very very small, I still worry. She again, suggested that we wait for the anatomy scan in two weeks and IF they find something of concern then we'll proceed with the amniocentesis. That is what my heart is telling me but my worry gets away from me. And that worry isn't taking over my thoughts, it's just there every now and again. So her advice is to not risk any miscarriage unless the u/s suggests we need more testing. I feel so great about that and her advice so that's what I'm going with. Enough said!

Another question I had was about, . . . ahem, . . . intercourse. The hubs and I were pretty nervous about "testing the waters" during the 1st trimester so we didn't . . . for 14 weeks people! He's a very understanding and totally on-board husband! So when we did decide to go there it was . . . well, . . . uncomfortable. For me, not him. Granted I was nervous. So the next time I really tried to relax more and go with it and it was better but still uncomfortable. Like (sorry for the TMI) there was something in there preventing any (sorry folks) deep penetration. So I asked the doc and she suggested we need lube. Um, I don't think that was the issue but we'll try that next. She also suggested different positions. So you see why I asked these questions without my parents in the room - eeeewww! Anyway, suggestions we'll try and if anyone else has had similar experiences and would like to share how you got past it, please do! :)

So, Dr. Parsons suggested she & I find the hb before we bring my parents in just to make sure and sure enough, there it was - super strong too! I smiled and she squeezed my hand and said go get mom & dad! So I went into the crowded waiting room and asked them if they would like to hear the heart beat and they said "YES" very excitedly! And a couple older women said yes too! hahaha Very cute! So I introduced Lisa to my parents and told them how special she is to Charlie and I and we filled the room (sheesh those rooms are tiny!). Dr. Parsons found the heart beat right away and lets us just listen for a good long time. Mom was sooooo excited and dad just cried. So sweet! My dad is a huge softie but after all I've been through to get pregnant with this baby he's even more emotional. It was a really nice moment.

That being said, I miss seeing my baby! I only have to wait another two weeks for this now but she's (he's) a totally different baby now! Oh, we can't wait - December 8th is almost here! I'll do a 17 week update later this week because I've experienced some changes in the past weeks.

So grateful for this baby and this pregnancy this Thanksgiving! So grateful!

Avocado

2010-11-19T18:27:00.006-05:00

Baby V is an avocado this week!! Week 16! Just amazing! Today I was at a local yummy sandwich restaurant and they had a beautiful bowl of avocados on display. I picked one up and just marveled. The woman making my sandwich (tomato, fresh mozz & basil with pesto on flatbread - SERIOUSLY! One of the yummiest sammy's I've had to date) asked if I'd like avocado on the sammy so I couldn't help but share that I'm preggers with a little one and this week is the size of the yummy fruit (vegetable). She smiled big and just said "Wow, that's amazing! Congrats". You couldn't slap the smile off my face. Today, I'm 16w2d. *sigh* Loving it!

I've been super busy the past two weeks. Started back to work last Monday (Nov 8th) and have worked a ton of hours. We are out straight with projects so it feels good to be productive but I am exhausted by the time I get home after the very full day. I think I've been asleep before 8 pm every work day since I've been back. Six weeks in bed really doesn't do a body any good. I'm getting back, slowly. I'm feeling the 7-10 lbs I've put on with the pregnancy and hopefully won't gain a ton in the upcoming weeks/months. I have started back working out too. Migraines have been with me most nights (and sometimes they crop up during the work day making it extremely difficult to push through). It's hard to go to bed exhausted and wake up every hour in pain with migraine.

Something interesting . . . I saw a chiropractic neurologist this week about the migraines. His treatment plan makes really good sense and I feel that it certainly cannot hurt to give the course of treatment a shot. Problem is that our medical insurance SUCKS and we'll basically be paying out of pocket for the treatment. The doc told me he would charge us 50% of what he bills insurance companies and could help us with a payment plan rather than full payment up front. Charlie is on board with this course of treatment and I could not be happier with his support. It means the world to me. So, the bad news is we'll have to wait til the beginning of the new year to start treatment but the good news is that it isn't that far away. I can't wait!

On another note, I spent last weekend with my brother and his family. Unfortunately they had to put down one of their dogs. Cyrus was one of the most loving souls I have had the pleasure of loving in return. He was so sweet. Heather has been really strong through this - he had lymphoma & they did a few rounds of chemo which extended his life with quality for about 6 extra months. He was her dog that she brought into the relationship - they are all heartbroken but none more than Heather. My heart hurts for her and them. Here is a pic of the sweet boy.

Other than a very busy two weeks, I've been well. Last weekend I thought I felt some quickening or very subtle movements of Baby V - felt like fizzies in my lower belly, no gas, just fizzies. I hope to feel more soon. I have an OB appointment on Monday and yet again, Charlie is out of town for this visit but my mom & dad will be with me - maybe I can convince Dr. Parsons to give 'em a little peek and the baby via ultrasound . . . I haven't seen the little bug in 6 weeks! Eeek!

Happy weekend all!

14 weeks 2 days and a berfday (and some dumb stuff)!!

2010-11-05T17:43:00.004-04:00

Yes, yes!! I am 14 weeks and 2 days preggo to-day!! WAHOO!! So excited about this fact! The dumb stuff, well, I took a little trip to a re-sale maternity shop in the area. That in itself is not dumb. The dumb part is that they had dopplers (knock-offs) in the dressing rooms and . . . um . . . er . . . eh . . . yea, couldn't resist. However, my little squirmy 14 week old bean didn't want me to hear her heartbeat. So, of course, I full-on freaked out. I had to get to my OB to pick up a note so I decided to promptly get over there, right then. And because I was there maybe they'd do a quick fetal heart tone for me. Yep, I got scolded BIG TIME by Dr. Linnell. She said "Why are you wanting to scare the shit outta yourself?" She was right. Then it took her a FULL 20 SECONDS to find mah baybeeeeeez heartbeat. During that looooong 20 seconds she said, if we can't find it here we'll do a quick u/s just to make sure. But then, there she was . . . thump thump thump. A beautiful sound. She was a lil high in my uterus and the doc said she was really squirmy but she let me listen for a good long time. And I was happy.

I have learned my lesson - I don't have to mess around with an at-home doppler again. I'll see the OB again on the 22nd then the big u/s on December 8th.

And here come the holidays!! Speaking of holidays . . . my nephew Jaxson's 2nd berfday party is tomorrow!!! YAHOO!!! Can't wait to squeeze that lil bugger! I guess everything is To.y Sto.ry themed - he was Woody for Halloween. Wish I had a pic to post - too cute!!

This was taken this summer visiting his G'Pa in Montana. So damn cute!!

Life will get super busy with the 13 y/o & 17 y/o and this growing little family. Let's do a quick 14 week update!

How far along: 14 weeks 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: 7 lbs total gain

Maternity clothes: Pants - picked some jeans up at Old Na.vy today! Cute and comfy!

Stretch marks: No new ones but belly and boobs are itchy.

Best moment this week: Getting released back to work (for next week) and hearing lil thump thump thump.

Movement: Not yet

Food craving/aversions: Um, yea, still wanting some friggin Mexican food but that will come soon (I think).

Belly button in or out: in

What I miss: A normal heart rate. Over the past week I have had weird heart palpitations but I'm told that's because the blood flow is increasing. I hope that's all it is.

What I am looking forward to: Flutters & kicks. Hiccups . . . all that! I can't wait to feel her move around.

Weekly wisdom: I think I can now trust that I am a somewhat "normal" pregnant lady. Trust that it'll be ok between OB visits. That's a tough one but I'm learning.

Milestones: Moving to maternity pants fo realz yo! Can't even fake it in my regular pants any more.

Symptoms: Boobs are big - my friend Alyson told me they "look huge" (great, thanks Al). Nausea is pretty much gone - yahoo! Migraines are less and less - thank goodness. Ligament stretchy stuff going on in my lower abdomen. Now when I bend over or lean over I can feel the belly. Fatigue is better. Sleep is not really my friend at night - hopefully that will correct itself when I return to work on Monday. Feeling a little fat - will be glad when the belly is obviously a baby-bump! : )

Happy Friday all!! Oh, and sorry if the chimi posts are causing more cravings . . . not intended. Mah bahd!

Coward

2010-11-02T19:54:00.003-04:00

**Please note: this post is a short rant. It'll be over shortly. Click away should you have no interest.

Okay, I get it. This is a public blog and people have the right to comment their opinions as they please - positive or negative. What I do not understand is if you have the balls to be bitchy and snarky in such negative comments then have the balls to publicly post said comment.

Back-story, I received a comment on my previous post on the chimi debacle in my marriage this weekend. I was irritated at the time of the incident with hubs but the post was mostly a vent session and some humor. The asshole, coward who commented told me that everyone has chronic illnesses and works during their pregnancy and that if I actually went to work I could afford to go out for Mexican food and added that I should "Suck it up. You (I) asked for this." Wow, that is some venom for an anonymous commenter.

As for many a public blogger, we ALWAYS say if you don't like what you're reading look away, unsubscribe, or stop following. I don't force you to read this piddly little blog. But if you're going to share your nasty ass comments be man/woman enough to sign your name or publish publicly. Pussy!

Thank you

Damn you chimichanga!!!!

2010-11-01T18:43:00.003-04:00

Yea, so I have been CRAVING chimichangas for at least two weeks now. Charlie promised me we would go this weekend to get one at my fav Mexican joint. Well, shit on that parade! Effing Charlie vetoed the idea because he said we're too poor right now and can't afford to go out to dinner. Yes, I have been without a pay check for 4 weeks because of migraines. However, I have been bed-bound for those same 4 weeks gestating this baby of OURS and dealing with 24/7 nausea and migraines. Ya think he would at least go get me some take out for the $8.99 entree to make me happy. NOPE! Yes, I pitched a complete bitch-fit. Crying and all. I was just getting ready to jump in the shower to get ready and he said "Yeah, about that dinner out tonight". Shit all over my parade. I even jumped out of bed that morning and announced "WOOHOO!! We get Mexican tonight!!". Not a word of it then.

BEYOND pissed. Deny a pregnant woman's cravings? Seriously? Are you high? WTF??? So, I posted on fac.ebo.ok that I was 100% disappointed and got lots of "WTF girl?" responses. When I explained the husband's faux pas I got lots of "Oh, he'll learn" but really, this will be his third child. He has been through 2 other pregnancies with the ex-wife. Granted, it has been 13 years since the last child but still. He remained steadfast in his opinion and I did not speak to him for the rest of the night & into the next day. I'm still pissed about it. I may just go get it tomorrow for lunch and tell him to shove it. Fucker!!

So here chimi chimi . . . I'm gonna eat you . . . sooner rather than later . . . GET IN MAH BELLEH!!

13 weeks - YAHOO!!!!

2010-10-27T18:25:00.003-04:00

I wish I was feeling that up. Don't get me wrong, I am SUPER CRAZY excited to be 13 weeks preggo with my lil peanut! I truly am excited and grateful. I am just feeling a bit blah. The pain of daily migraines is pulling me down - physically and emotionally. By physically I mean that the pain keeps my energy drained and I am in bed most of the time. It's like I'm on modified bed rest. Charlie and I took the doggies on a walk last night and I was winded just trying to keep conversation and walking my normal pace! I know it's common to feel winded during pregnancy but I KNOW this is from the fact that I have been in bed 85% of the time for the past four weeks! Frustrating. Emotionally, I feel disconnected from my family - my mum & dad and my brother & his family. It's been a good 6 weeks since I've seen them and I feel like I need a visit. They asked us to join them for Thanksgiving at Brock's house this year and I REALLY want to go - every year since I've been with Charlie we have done Thanksgiving here at his parent's house because of the girls. That's 8 years! At the very least I think I'll go to join my family & he will be here with the girls. They are at the age where they could care less where I am for sure!

So I guess I'll get to the 13 week update.

How far along: 13 weeks! Yippee!!

Total weight gain/loss: 7lbs total! Yup, my appetite is back in full force!

Maternity clothes: I've gotta pick up some pants. I've been living in yoga pants which work well for home & appointments but I need some others.

Stretch marks: no new ones

Sleep: migraines make it difficult but fatigue is getting better

Best moment this week: hearing lil one's heart beat on the doppler at the OB's office!

Movement: Not yet

Food cravings/aversions: Mexican food is what I am seriously craving! Can't wait for this weekend when Charlie has promised me we'll finally go out for some yummy Mexican food!

Belly button in or out: in

What I miss/What I am looking forward to: I feel really puffy - fat. I'll be glad when I finally pop & look pregnant.

Weekly Wisdom: I need some . . . . suggestions?

Milestones: entering my 2nd trimester!!

Symptoms: boobs are still off/on sore, tingly. A little more energy when I am NOT in migraine. HUNGRY!! I seem to be hungry more often. Boobs are BIG - ugh!

I am soooooo grateful to be 13 weeks pregnant! So happy to be here. I would appreciate an end to the migraines, if that isn't too much to ask for. Thanks Jen for the advice on the doppler. I'm reconsidering . . . :)

I'm going through u/s withdrawals!

2010-10-26T19:58:00.002-04:00

I had an OB visit on Monday. While I was waiting in the waiting room (after giving my urine sample - at which I am a pro! haha) I got a pretty intense migraine. Spent all weekend without migraine and was super pumped about it! Oh well, so goes it with me. I was brought back to the room and met a new OB to the practice. She seemed nice enough but as she was doing the fetal heart check I asked her when I would have another ultrasound. She said probably not until the big one at 18-20 weeks. BUMMER!! I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself! I LOVED hearing the hb with the doppler and we heard it right away! Yahoo!! One thing that irked me a little was that she hadn't even looked at my chart & I had to fill her in on our journey. Like the fact that this pregnancy is #3 for me but the first this far along AND the fact that I had two losses last year. Made me a little pissy. I also thought maybe that would spur her on to get in another u/s before the BIG one. Nope. She never flinched. Hmmm. Not totally sure how I feel about her totally yet.

Speaking of the next visits, I won't see the OB again until November 22nd. That's like a month away! I have been going every two weeks. I guess that means I'm a "normal" pregnant lady. That meas nothing to me. I'm NOT a normal pregnant woman. I've been through hell & high water to get this pregnancy and I guess I want to be treated as such. Like having an u/s every visit. And maybe seeing them every two weeks. I don't know, call me crazy because I am.

She did tell me that the 18-20 wk u/s (scheduled for December 8th at 8 a.m. - I'll be 19 wks exactly at that time) maybe longer for me because I'll be considered "advanced maternal age" when I deliver. I'll turn 35 a couple weeks before my due date. Also, if they find something of concern they'll probably order an amniocentesis to investigate further. Of course I have the right to decline the amnio but we'll cross that bridge IF we get to it. In the meantime, I'm going through withdrawals on not seeing my lil peanut - I mean, it'll be 9 weeks between u/s's! So I'm thinking seriously about renting a doppler to make it until I can feel the baby move. I can't wait to feel the baby move! : )

I think I've got a sinus infection - yuck!

2010-10-23T14:06:00.002-04:00

Although today I DO NOT have a migraine (yay! Thank the Lord) I do have intense sinus pain still. The Neti Pot is a help - thanks to those who reminded me of this option - and Tylenol Sinus helps a little but really, I think it's to the point of infection. My ears are crackling now. Yuck! I see the OB on Monday so I don't have to wait much longer for treatment.

On another note, my insurance is dropped today. Sucks! Because I had not worked full time (avg of 35 hrs per week) for the past two months my (and hubs) health benefits has been dropped. Gratefully we picked up Charlie's insurance but it is not where near as good as mine but at least we have coverage. I have been struggling with migraines since my freshman year in college (1994 - yikes) which means I have been trying to live a normal life while a few days a month I'm in extreme pain. These days have increased since entering my 30's. I don't feel like I am able to work full time because of them and I think it is fairly evident in my last year of work & missed work. I was really beginning to feel emotionally drained from this round - it took longer to feel this way because I am sooooo incredibly happy that I'm pregnant. But nonetheless, it has been wearing me down.

My last really bad round was a full 48 hr period of NO release and I couldn't sleep or eat. Misery! It lifted this morning around 11 am and I have been on the move ever since. Because I have been pretty much incapacitated for the past 6-8 weeks my house is a wreck! Really, men don't clean the way we do and with two teenagers that could care less, it is just a disaster! I finally feel good and I am snapping like crazy at Charlie because the house is just gross and he let it get this way. I know I shouldn't snap at him but really, am I the only one who sees this shit or what!? C'mon! Truth be told, when I met him this house was a disaster because he was a single dad with a 4 y/o and an 8 y/o working full time and never had to do it all on his own. I guess I should've known but I thought I trained him better than that in 9 years!

Anyway, all this dust and pressure is not helping my sinuses any which is why I am taking a break to post. And I guess a vent session too. Hopefully I'll stay migraine-free for the remainder of my 2nd trimester! Here's to hoping and praying!

Congestion

2010-10-19T19:12:00.003-04:00

Oy! My sinuses are killing me! I'm super congested and my sinuses hurt! I understand why but I guess my mom is right, I'm a delicate flower. : ) I had always said, I'll take anything as long as I can get and stay pregnant and so far God listened because I have been smacked by all pregnancy symptoms. I am grateful though. For every bit of it! I have my next OB appointment next Monday - can't wait. I've also been thinking strongly about renting a doppler so I can listen to the hb when I want to (which I think I would at least once a day : ) )

Anyone have any suggestions on the sinus issue? I'll be talking with my doc about it at the next visit but until then I'll listen to all suggestions!

11 weeks 3 days

2010-10-16T19:18:00.002-04:00

How far along: 11w3d

Total weight gain/loss: +3#

Maternity clothes: I'm still pretty much in yoga pants or sweatpants most of the time so, not yet.

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: Becoming more challenging lately but I think the fatigue is letting up a little.

Best moment this week: been a tough week migraine-wise but today I actually paid some bills and chores around the house.

Movement: not yet

Food cravings/aversions: not really craving nor are the aversions bothering me as much

Belly button in or out: in

What I miss: being active! I miss walks/workouts, regular bowel habits (sorry TMI). This migraine persistence is wearing on me.

What I am looking forward to: I see the OB again on the 25th & get another peek at the little one! And getting out of the 1st trimester! So close!

Milestones: 11 weeks!! And I've stopped my PIO injections!! Yay!!!

Symptoms: boobs still tingly, big, heavy & sore. Nausea still with me but becoming more on & off. Migraines are unending. My belly feels full and is bulging a little more than normal (but I really just look like I've gained weight). Sinus congestion is becoming more persistent. Constipation.

I'd really like to get back to work soon - our check book could really use the income. Not to mention that I'd like to get back to being an active person. I should be working out of my 1st trimester in the next week or two so I hope with weeks 12 & 13 I can get back to normal. AND to plan the pregnancy too!

10 weeks 2 days!!

2010-10-08T17:03:00.002-04:00

We hit 10 weeks on Wednesday!! I had my initial OB visit today and had my first ultrasound that wasn't transvaginal!! Yahoo!! The OB (whom I LOVE) is not the best sonographer but we saw the heart beat and saw a little squirmy baby. Heart beat was at 141 b/m and she is measuring 10w4d. I had a pap and a flu shot also. I am exhausted and feel super nauseous most of the time. Sleep is interrupted with nausea and pee breaks. Migraines are with me most of the day and my primary has me out of work for the next two weeks. After that I will see him again - hopefully my migraines have passed by week 12 and I can return to work. My OB, Dr. P, wants me to see another neurologist since the migraines are persistent since week 7. I'll also see her again in two weeks.

One thing to decide, whether or not to have the sequential screening b/w & u/s between weeks 10 & 12. Has anyone got any advice for me on this? I have to check to see whether it is covered by insurance or not. That may be the deciding factor. Next decision, whether or not to have the CVS or amnio considering I'll be 35 when I deliver. Again, I need to check on insurance coverage.

One of the best things Dr. P told me today was that I can start planning. Like, planning the pregnancy. Oh.my.god! Soooo exciting! I really haven't done anything as far as planning because I have either been so laid up or not wanting to get ahead of myself. It makes me feel so good to hear that! I went to BRUS last night to look at the Med.la nursing bras. Bought one and I'm not liking it so much. I'll hang on to it for after delivering but right now my sports bras are working alright. I'll wait until I'm feeling a little better to shop for some other bras - that is, before I return to work. Dr. P also told me to continue my exercise routine (ha, what routine) but will start my prenatal yoga this next week. Hopefully my migraines will start to fade!

All in all, a pretty damn good day!

My cups runneth over, way over

2010-10-04T18:20:00.002-04:00

I'm talking bout boobies peeps! I took a little bit of time today to check out Ko.hl's bra section for no-wire bras. Holy shit my boobs have grown. My usual size is big (38D - yuck) but now I'm much bigger. I tried a barel.y ther.e bra that was recommended but L had boobies running all out and the XL was too big around the chest and not enough support of the mams. So I tried a couple Ol.ga & B.ali no-wire bras and that just may be the way to go but I want to check out Mo.therhood Mat.ernity too. I just don't want to pay an arm & a leg but may have to spend some $$ for the next 30+ weeks. That'll be worth it.

In the meantime, I'm still suffering from migraines and out of work. I have an appointment with my primary on Thursday and the OB was moved up to Friday to discuss the migraine issue & work capacity. Unfortunately Charlie won't be able to attend the OB appointment with me because he'll be out of town but I feel okay to go alone. In fact, he suggested I call my mom to come with me but I think I want to go alone because of all the questions about work and such. Not that I don't want to share this with mom, I just would rather fly solo if Charlie can't be with me. I'm okay with that.

So I was warned that the mams get big, I guess I was in denial. I was hoping that He felt He'd already blessed me enough in the size department but I'll take whatever He gives me! I am grateful!

A breath of fresh air

2010-10-02T15:58:00.002-04:00

For the past two-plus weeks I have been hold-up in my dark bedroom trying to surrender to migraine. Today I woke up without migraine and with just a little nausea. I actually took a shower, went to the beach with Charlie and the doggies AND went grocery shopping!! STOP IT!! I know! Crazy right? Until I was half way thru my grocery list and got struck with both nausea and headache. Urgh, it was all I could do to hurry up the remainder of my list & check out. Now I'm half watching the Texas vs. Oklahoma football game (I may be a Mainer but hook 'em horns!) and trying to put together a half-way decent post. Not going so well, huh? Doggies are bushed and happily napping by my side and the hubby is happily napping on the couch . . . and all is right with the world :)

I have been reading about babywearing and I must say that I cannot wait to do this! There are some really great resources out there for teaching/learning which slings/wraps/carriers work best for which age, personality, etc. Very cool. I can't wait to try it out myself with my lil one. I will not want mine far from me and this may allow me to not only learn my baby's needs sooner but allow for a deeper bond as well. I just can't wait!!!

So far I am 9w3d today and I have noticed that when I sleep sort of on my tummy it is uncomfortable because there is a grapefruit or something that feels like that - my uterus is now big enough to feel as I lay on my side/tummy (not really on my tummy but on my side leaning onto my tummy). Also, my pants are tight! I might break out the bella band should I be back at work next week. Plus, I really need to find another bra or other bras for me to wear. Mine feel too tight and actually is not helping the indigestion/heartburn/upset tummy I have where the underwire sits right on top of my stomach (sort of). Any recommendations? Not sure if I should go up a size, buy some cheapies, or if there are maternity bras I should be looking into but all could be a bit expensive. I'll take any recommendations!!

It finally feels like fall here in Maine and the leaves are turning as well. Apples are picking and pies are being made and nesting is happening all over! For our anniversary dinner tonight we are staying in, Charlie is making pork tenderloin & yummy other stuff and we are watching the BC vs. Notre Dame football game prime time! Crazy right? I don't need anything fancy - it's all good!

9 week ultrasound

2010-09-30T17:20:00.003-04:00

Oh what a sight! My ultrasound was beautiful! To see my lil bean wiggling on the screen and heart beating was such a relief and a joy. Reading my comments just before this post was not what I should have done. A comment about how her baby was fine at 8w5d then dead at 9w3d does not help me nor help the anxiety. Not sure what the intent was on the comment . . . . but it's bothersome. That's information I did not need at this point.

Anyway, as I was saying, we saw our lil bean wiggling her little arms & leg buds and I got a picture of her looking like a little teddy bear. I would post the pictures but I have lost my cord . . . when I find it I'll upload it.

In the meantime, my migraines are still keeping me out of work. This is the 1st time I have been able to stay looking at a screen for any length of time. And with that I must say good bye for now. Thanks for checking in on me, I'll try to post an update when I can this weekend. Charlie and I are celebrating 5 yrs married tomorrow! Hopefully I'll feel well enough to go out for dinner or something special. : )

A is for Anxiety

2010-09-28T19:45:00.004-04:00

Yep, I am a big ball of anxious today. Migraine and all. I had an acupuncture treatment last Tuesday for migraine and nausea but didn't really feel any different until yesterday. The nausea stayed a bay pretty well and I was able to keep my snacks safely in my GI system. And today even though I had a migraine I wasn't as terribly nauseous as I had been. You'd think I'd be doing cartwheels but nah, I freak out because . . . um, have I lost the baby? Is my body getting ready to miscarry this baby? I mean I am at 8w6d today . . . that's too close to the last m/c . . . does that mean something? Urgh!!

It's really too bad I have such good cell memory. I so want this to me a normal pregnancy. I wonder when I'll feel like it is . . .

I so can't wait to see my little baby on the ultrasound tomorrow so I can set my mind at ease for at least another two weeks.

What's a happenin'

2010-09-26T15:09:00.002-04:00

Well, what's happening with me sounds like a Pep.to Bis.mol commercial. Nausea, heartburn, upset stomach, diarrhea (on & off) along with F.A.T.I.G.U.E like no other! Oh and add migraines on top of it all. I am totally in the throws of first trimester physical little hell of growing a baby . . . and I'll take every bit of it but I get to at least complain a little. I think the two worst of the list are the migraines and nausea. I feel like I'm on the verge of throwing up every second of the day and that my head will split open at any given moment. If it all gets me a healthy baby in April/May, I'll be ever-so grateful.

Because of such horrible migraines I have only worked one day last week. I can only take ty.lenol for the pain which may in turn cause a rebound headache. So I'm kinda stuck just trying to keep my food down and lay somewhat flat (and on my left side because for whatever reason I feel less like hurling on that side). My OB and RE ok'd pher.nergan for the nausea because it also sometimes helps with migraines but I can only take one per day because I'm still so early in the pregnancy. Today I am 8w4d : ) and couldn't be happier about it. I'm really not worrying about work because I feel like this work (growing my baby) is MUCH more important that my lil ol 40 hr/week job. This might be the most important job I have in my whole life and I want to really listen to my body. And if it's screaming to stay in bed, then that I shall do. The only hero I want to be is for my baby. For that I would give up my life!

Happy week to you all!

8 weeks!!!

2010-09-23T18:59:00.002-04:00

How far along: 8 weeks 1 day today!!

Total weight loss/gain: nada

Maternity clothes: nope, not yet

Stretch marks: pahleeze!!

Sleep: yes please!

Best moment this week: hmmm, not totally sure. I REEEEEAAALLLLYYY want to see my lil bebe next Wednesday!!

Movement: n/a

Food cravings/aversions: Still craving salty foods, still avoiding fried foods

Belly button in or out: n/a

What I miss: Existing without gaging or feeling like I'm gunna hurl at any given moment.

What I'm looking forward to: seeing my lil one in less than a week!!

Weekly wisdom: "let it all ride . . . it'll work out" thank you hubs, love you!

Milestones: Had my OB intake appointment today . . . one step closer to a normal pregnancy!!

Symptoms: Fatigue, nausea, vomiting, constipation, oh yea . . . but I'm grateful to experience every bit of it!

7w2d

2010-09-17T18:15:00.002-04:00

So here is my 7 week update. Migraines have me incapacitated as of late so I apologize for the delay (I'm sure you all are waiting with baited breath, right? Yea, that's what I thought) ; )

How far along: 7w2d today

Total weight gain/loss: none at this point (+/- 0)

Maternity clothes: not yet but the bella band might come out soon

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: I have to wake up a couple times a night to pee and now nausea is waking me up too! I seem to be tired all the time.

Best moment of the week: Duh, the most beautiful sight in the world! My u/s on Wednesday where we saw the lil bean with the gorgeous heartbeat!

Movement: n/a

Food cravings/aversions: Bread (toast specifically) with butter and a little salt. I'm craving salty snacks like crazy! Aversions - peanut butter in the morning (bleck), rice cakes, the smell of peanuts & fried foods

Belly button in or out: in

What I miss: I'd love not to have a headache but if it means my pregnancy is going well, then I'll suck it up.

What I'm looking forward to: The next ultrasound at 9 wks AND starting to taper PIO next week!

Weekly wisdom: Ginger root supplements work well for nausea. B6 helps too but not as well. Gluten free diet isn't really an option for me at this point in my pregnancy but may consider it after the nausea subsides. Tylenol sucks for migraines and it's all I can use (up to 1000mg/six hours). Work sucks and I wanna quit - not wisdom but oh well. I'm totally emotionally unstable because my moods are swinging like a pendulum. This will end and all signs point to a healthy pregnancy!!

Symptoms: Sore boobs still and yup, they're getting bigger. I might shop for some comfy slightly bigger bras this weekend. Nausea all day and all night. Diarrhea? That's a new one and one not expected but with all the hormones raging why not. Frequent urination. Moodiness. Fatigue. Feeling of fullness in my lower abdomen and getting a little difficult to button my pants. Oh, and migraines! Urgh! But I'll take it all and love it!

Oh my goodness, I'm really pregnant and this one is stickin around with me!! I can see myself pregnant throughout Thanksgiving and Christmas, New Years & Valentine's Day, Heather's due date (March 3rd) and into the spring!! This one is really happening and I couldn't be more excited and grateful!

One perfect lil bean!

2010-09-15T13:16:00.003-04:00

I've got one perfect little bean growing inside. One perfect heart beating at 146 beats per minute. *sigh*

7 Week update later (I hope . . . this exhaustion & nausea is kicking my ass right now so hopefully I'll have it together enough to post).

Out of sorts

2010-09-13T15:51:00.003-04:00

This is a bit of a vent session. Right now my boss is upstairs speaking with my co-worker regarding her lame-ass work ethic but yet again, nothing will be done about it. Just before, he asked to speak with me because it has been some time since he & I have worked together (he was taken out of town due to an emergency and I have been in migraine hell). He told me he didn't feel the department was where he feels it needs to be and I take partial responsibility for this as my absence means my work does not get done. Then he tells me that the company will not be able to support me through my illness - my chronic illness. That I do not qualify for the Fam.ily Med.ical L.eave Ac.t because I have not been here for a calendar year and/or worked 1250 hours. Which means that the 443 hrs I worked HERE for another company before I was taken on as a corporate employee is not counted - even though when I was signed on I was told it would all count towards benefits, time off, etc. All a fucking lie. On September 30th I will hit my 12 month mark here at this company and as of last Wednesday (and only since February 2010) I have worked over 1250 hours. Bullshit!!

I feel my boss won't let me go but in reality, it won't be his decision. If it is to happen it'll be upon direction from higher up. I am beginning to hate this company.

I am also coming to the realization that I may not be able to work full time because of my migraines - THAT SUCKS!! Like all my independence is being taken away! I'd have to rely on my husband to support the majority of the financial load . . . just a few years ago, I was the bread winner of the two of us!

6 weeks today!!

2010-09-08T13:31:00.002-04:00

It's that time again . . . I get to celebrate my pregnancy and make notes to all of creation about my girlie bits! hahaha But seriously, today is a really positive day. In all the anxiety that is consuming me most of the time I get these little glimpses of reality - like, I'm freaking pregnant! So CEL-E-BRATE GOOD TIMES, C'MON!!! I'm gonna dance a bit and only in front of myself in the mirror as to not horrify the community around me ; )

How far along: YAHOO!! 6 weeks today!!!

Total weight gain/loss: none gained or lost since my retrieval

Maternity clothes: nope, not yet

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: Sleep is avoiding me as of late. But fatigue is a constant companion.

Best moment of the week: Hmmm, nausea is now lasting pretty much all day and all night. AND the scheduling of the u/s & release-appointment to OB next week.

Food cravings/aversions: not really craving much right now, aversions to fried foods

Belly button in or out: I'm a bit fluffy since TTC/IVF so . . . eh . . . yea, in, way in

What I miss: Coffee, sleep, not having the constant gag feeling in the back of my mouth/throat

What I am looking forward to: The big u/s next week!!!! Seeing/hearing heart beats!!!

Weekly wisdom: Stay in the moment - whatever is meant to happen will . . . I cannot change any outcome so CHILL! Relax! Be still & enjoy the moment!

Symptoms: I think my boobs are getting bigger - all my bras are a little more snug than usual - even the sports bras. Still cranky - Dr. Ph.il told me that anger is a manifestation of hurt, fear and frustration . . . yep, thanks Phil, that pretty much sums me up right now. Nausea most of the time now. Dizziness more on than off. Fatigue, eh, yea.

Yahoo for 6 weeks!!!!

Ultrasound date

2010-09-07T19:42:00.002-04:00

I got the call today . . . the BIG ultrasound is set for next Wednesday at 9 a.m. I called the RE's nurses to notify them and they called me back to schedule the nurse practitioner's appointment with us to release us to the OB. YIKES!! I almost feel like that is assuming the u/s is going to be alright. Which it will be (stay positive, stay positive), right? But I don't want to jinx anything. Oh shut up anxiety! Go away! Anyway, I'll have a phone appointment with Kristen (the NP) to go over the do's & don't's of pregnancy, how to stave off morning sickness, blah, blah, blah. Charlie will be attending the u/s (of course) but will skip the phone appointment. I will be asking for an u/s at around 8w5d and then maybe around 10wks so we can make sure we are peeking in on the bean around the times I m/c'd last times. I'm sure they'll oblige.

Good news is that the symptoms persist. Nausea on & off - more off this weekend but then way on today! Dizziness not so much this weekend but WAY today. Migraines, yep - a shift in the weather has helped but they are still with me. Boobies I think are actually getting bigger! They sure do hurt but are fitting very tight in the bras - even the sports bras! Tomorrow is 6 weeks!!! YAHOO!!! Yay for hearts beating!!

Welcome fall

2010-09-05T11:47:00.003-04:00

I love this time of year. Earl brought in the cool dry weather that is just my style. Low humidity, cool breeze, sunny days, football all around . . . ahhhh, LOVE IT!! Migraines have subsided for now leaving me with some hangover-style headaches but those are much more tolerable.

I'm now getting up 3+ times per night to pee - fun new symptom! Nausea is still with me off & on but really, it's fatigue that is kicking my ass! Since I have taken some time off from work I have been getting up for the day around 9 a.m. and ready for a nap by noon. Then again ready for another nap by 4 p.m. . . . . haven't actually taken a nap but I am really dragging by those times. Also, by the time I get up for my 5 a.m. pee adventure I have a hard time getting back to sleep. Weird, but I'm sure not the most weird thing I will run into during this pregnancy : )

Speaking of which, I got the call from Chris that I can stop taking the est.race (Friday) and to contact my OB to schedule the 1st ultrasound. The OB ended up referring me to Maternal Fetal Medicine & they have not called me back with the scheduled day/time. I'll probably have to wait til Tuesday for that call since it is Labor Day weekend. Oh well, I guess I can wait . . . after all, once I get the call it'll be only a week more to wait for the u/s! Yahoo!!

Enjoy the weekend all! I know I will!!!!

Beta #2

2010-09-02T17:38:00.003-04:00

Beta #2 is . . . . . 3477 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't be happier!!!! Headaches today, fatigue, nausea, dizziness . . . it's all good in this hood!! Oh and progesterone is 44 . . . I get a call back tomorrow with my estrogen level and further instructions which means they schedule my ultrasound for two weeks! So excited!

5 weeks & more symptoms

2010-09-01T20:19:00.002-04:00

How far along: 5 weeks

Total weight gained/lost: still, not goin there yet

Maternity clothes: still no, but again, the bloat after meals/snacks is yucky and uncomfortable

Stretch marks: n/a

Sleep: yes please! I'm am getting more and more tired

Best moment of the week: hopefully tomorrow getting really good beta results and today, dizziness & nausea like none before. The boat is a rockin'!!

Movement: n/a

Food cravings/aversions: not too crazy but fried food is not my friend

Belly button in or out: um, yea, really?

What I miss: not much! I am loving the fact that I am really FEELING pregnant!

What I'm looking forward to: beta results tomorrow, u/s soon (I hope)

Weekly wisdom: stay in the now! Be present for the moment and not get too far ahead of myself.

Milestones: sooooooooo super nauseous tonight & dizziness!! Like I am literally on a boat!!

Symptoms: Nausea, dizziness, sore boobies, bloating, fatigue, crampy-twingey stuff.

Yay for 5 weeks!!!!!!!!

Time off & 5wks today!

2010-09-01T08:16:00.004-04:00

Charlie came up with a dandy of an idea for me! I have been suffering with migraines pretty badly lately and it seems to get really bad with a drop in the barometric pressure and crappy weather that moves in with such a drop in pressure. So the hubs suggested I take Thursday and Friday off from work rather than calling in sick (potentially) with migraine! Genius, considering I missed Monday with migraine and today woke up with a rager around 3 a.m.! So yes, I'll take tomorrow & Friday off AND I have Monday off too! It's like a little vacation . . . uh, . . . with migraine. But at least I won't be stressing out about missing work unexpectedly. The boss is good with it and truthfully I really don't care if he's not - zero respect for the man. Have I mentioned that I hate my job? Yup, that pretty much sums it up for me. I have some great friends here but cannot stand the two I am surrounded by everyday 40hrs a week.

Anyhoo! Today is Charlie's BIRTHDAY!!! He is the big 5-3 today!! Feels weird because my previous understanding of what 53 looked like/acted like was waaaaaaaaaaay different from the hubs. He really is about my age in maturity and the like AND is excited about this pregnancy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

Speaking of which, I am 5 weeks pregnant today! Yippee!! Yahoo!! I'm still peeing on anything that will tell me I am still pregnant until I have my second beta tomorrow. The last four I have taken have come up super bright (as I expected) but the actual test line was lighter in color than the pregnancy line. Strange, but the tests were all from the same lot number with the same expiration date. Soooooo, I'll be buying more today to see how the new ones test! Urgh, this process kills me! But at least it is telling me that my hcg is high enough to be detected on the test (whatever, it reassures me so I'll take it for now!).

Peace peeps! I'm off to finish my work so I can go home and burry my head under my pillow! And yep, Tyl.enol is a f*ing joke on migraines!

Perpetual 2ww

2010-08-30T19:51:00.003-04:00

Perpetual two week wait, that's what my life has come to I think. Although this week be be only a one week wait (until beta #2 on Thursday), it'll be 2 more weeks after that for the big ultrasound.

On the pregnancy symptom front, well, nothing totally new. Nausea comes and goes. Usually around 9 a.m. til 11:30ish, then usually in the afternoon then again at night around 9ish. Boobs are getting more sore each day. Heavy and road mapped with blue veins. Dizziness on & off throughout the day. Fatigue. Twingey crampy like things going on in my lower abdomen. Irritability - whew, I am Mrs. CrankyPants. I think the moodiness comes from the nervousness I feel about the fate of this pregnancy too. Last night I had a dream that the 2nd beta number was lower than the first. That my pregnancy ended. That THIS pregnancy ended. That scares the shit out of me. A friend of mine told me that if she were me "I wouldn't get out of bed until the second beta, then until the u/s" and that is sort of what I feel like doing. I want to isolate and chill and take care of myself. It doesn't help that I hate my job and have no respect for those I work closest to . . .

But alas, I will return to work just like I'm supposed to, all the while looking for a new job. Maybe part time but we'll see.

4w3d

2010-08-28T15:55:00.003-04:00

I'm going to try something different this pregnancy. I'm going to chart this week by week thing keeping everything super positive. So here we go . . .

How far along: 4 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain/loss: not going there yet!

Maternity clothes: um, not yet but the bloating after snacks & meals makes the pants uncomortable. :/

Stretch marks: um, not from pregnancy ; )

Sleep: pretty good! Getting pretty fatgued at work about 2:30 p.m. on . . .

Best moment of the week: a couple - Monday (9dpt) positive HPT, then yesterday's beta of 139

Movement: n/a

Food cravings/aversions: cravings - pickles & salty stuff; aversions - fried foods (bleck)

Belly button in or out: um, in . . . way in hehehehe

What I miss: having a normal heart rate - anxiety is making my heart palpitate - often!

What I am looking forward to: the next beta on 9/2/10

Weekly wisdom: Whatever is meant to happen will happen . . . I can't change any outcome by will so I need to sit back and chill

Milestones: the first beta of 139 and nausea

Symptoms: Boobs are killing me and becoming road maps of blue veins (mmm, pretty). Irritablity - like no other! Fatigue. Nausea on & off. Twingey crampy things going on in my lower abdomen.

Beta Day!!!!!

2010-08-26T15:42:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I got the call from Melissa at RSC that my beta is 139 today!! That is a good number and I am celebrating a little. I feel like the next neuroses is under way. With my last pregnancy my beta was 189 and keep rising well and at 7w1d the ultrasound revealed an empty gestational sac . . . so I don't think I'll be doing jumping jacks until I get that first u/s (maybe). I feel a little shell-shocked right now. Charlie sent me a text saying "This is a time of caution and prayer but let's be a little excited too!" which was helpful.

I am pregnant. Holy shit!

Nausea . . . YIPPEE!!!

2010-08-25T10:28:00.002-04:00

So much nausea . . . last night at 9 p.m. it hit me like a truck. I could barely breathe through it. But I could finally get to sleep, eventually. I got up without issue this morning but around 8 a.m. I got hit with the nausea. I am soooo happy about all this!! : ) I'm smiling so big all over the place. The gluten free thing is more like a low gluten diet right now because this morning I picked up saltines. I've tried rice cakes to help for a carbo substitute but the smell of rice cakes made me gag last night - oops, guess not those. So far today the saltines have not helped. I had a snack of about an ounce of cheese but the sour taste of the cheese made me gag a little after. I think the best advice I've received is the B6 supplement, peppermint gum and small snacks with high protein every 2 hrs or so.

I will love and am loving every second of this morning sickness thing : )

Oh and by the way, I peed on another stick this morning and it was positive immediately - YAHOO!!!!!!!!!

10dp3dt positive HPT's!!!!

2010-08-24T12:45:00.002-04:00

So, my camera batteries are dead so I can post the pics (yet) but I POAS last night at 7:30 p.m. and got an immediate positive . . . then again today at 5:45 a.m., an immediate positive . . . . and again today at noon, another immediate positive.

Oh.mah.gawd. . . . .

I've got my beta on Thursday and until then I'm like a territorial male dog . . . I'm gonna piss on everything that will tell me I'm pregnant!

9dp3dt sigh

2010-08-23T18:58:00.002-04:00

9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops

We are one day closer to beta. Tonight I purchased two 3-packs of FRER tests . . . to literally pee on 40 bucks. To also feed the neuroses. Oh why not? Well, I can answer that. Because it could be wrong. It could be negative and I would be headed on a downward spiral to depression. It could be positive and I wouldn't totally believe it. Because evidently I want to torture myself by this stupid dance.

Eeeek!!! Fatigue is still with me. And dizziness is increasing. Nausea is in and out. Insanity continues. . . . . . . .

8dp3dt

2010-08-22T10:51:00.002-04:00

8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

Get that! Placenta cells are beginning to secret HCG in my bloodstream! So I think I might feed the neuroses and pick up some HPT to start pissing away some money tomorrow. Nausea hasn't met me again since Friday. Bummed a bit but I have a feeling I'll see it again soon. Fatigue is still with me. I slept this morning until 10 a.m. - eeeek that's late! Hopefully it will only increase, right? Ugh, I'm so bad at this crap. PLEASE, PLEASE let this stick!!!!

Sometimes I just don't get it!

2010-08-21T18:39:00.003-04:00

Okay, maybe most of the time I just don't get it. But seriously, the hubs is making me nuts! Today I am beyond tired. I could have literally slept until noon then napped for a couple hours at around 4 p.m. but we went out to enjoy the beautiful weather and to do something we have never done. We went to the Main.e Highl.and Gam.es - very good people watching, I might add! Charlie loved the athletic competitions and we also watched the sheepdog trials (which I loved). But it cost is $30 to get in! Geeeezz Louise! I might not go again but I can say that I have now experienced it. So on our way home we start up a discussion that ended a few nights ago with both of us pissed off so that we can finally put it to bed and I thought I made a pretty good negotiation/suggestion. I was calm and prepared and was thoughtful (I thought). But he shut me down and kept telling me I was making a big deal out of nothing. When I was explaining why it was a bigger deal to me (being sensitive and thoughtful and to be as clear as I could) he dismissed me feelings. And told me I was being dramatic . . . um, I'm on hormones & hopefully pregnant, yes I may be a tad dramatic but now is not the time to "enlighten" me when I'm trying very hard to resolve this issue.

Seriously, I could have come across that table like a rabid spider monkey, if I was sitting at a table . . . (yep, that's a line from one of the two RickyBobby kids - either Walker or Texas Ranger) . . . for real Charlie. Thanks. At our couples therapy appointment the other day our therapist pointed out that right now is not the time to get into arguments because stress hormones stay with women for 36 hours . . . 36 hours! Yea, probably not the best time, like night before ER or on our way to the transfer . . . yea, probably not the best time, but he insists on dismissing my attempts to compromise then making me feel like I'm an idiot for trying. My stress hormones probably have not come down to a normal level - period. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for us right now. Not the best environment to conceive, huh?

Oy, or shall I say OM . . . I need to go chill and surrender the drama. I can't figure it out on my own so I need His help.

6dp3dt - Is it too early to feel nauseous?

2010-08-20T09:56:00.003-04:00

Or is it the PIO?? I'm nauseous for the first time . . . super nauseous. I didn't eat anything first thing in the morning, in fact I'm only eating breakfast just now as I type. Broccoli & cheese scrambled eggs - super yummy, but I'm having a hard time getting past the gag reflex. I got up and took my 2mg estra.ce and went about my morning getting ready for work. Once I got to work the feeling of wanting to barf kept getting worse so finally at 10 a.m. I decided to make something with protein to help settle my tummy. But I gotta tell ya, I don't feel much better having had breakfast.

I know, I know. This is probably from the PIO, just like the sore boobs, bloat, irritability, constipation - blah, blah, blah. The truth is I REALLY REALLY want this symptom to be from the beebeeeez snugglin in and releasing hCG to make me all blah! My boobies started hurting immediately from the PIO. The bloat is from the ER and the PIO. The irritability has been with me since I started stims. But this nausea is new -TODAY.

Serenity now!

5dp3dt

2010-08-19T15:36:00.002-04:00

"5dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining" so hopefully my lil babies are snuggling in for the long haul. I was at acupuncture yesterday - my last acupuncture treatment for this cycle. Jason put on a meditation CD for fertility and included some affirmations that totally help lift my spirits. He also told me how much he wants this pregnancy for me AND thanked me for inviting him into my process. Aw! I just love him so much! So sweet! I pray they are snuggling in . . . one of my besties birthday is the day before beta. She asked me to POAS for her birthday! hahahaha I thought that was so funny. I have been thinking about it (POAS) and I think I might but, again, it's a day-to-day decision. Who knows what I'll actually do then.

Jason told me that the points he treated were to help "close up" everything and keep everything calm. To prevent uterine contractions. I was kinda looking forward to maybe some cramping to signal the implantation but I have not felt too much going on. Of course, I've had migraine for 2.5 days and have been sort of out of it. It has helped me not focus on every little twinge, flutter and ache (other than the headache). The migraine has passed - THANK GOD!!

Six more days til POAS and seven more days til the beta! Snuggle in beebeeez!!!

3dp3dt & a migraine

2010-08-17T23:30:00.002-04:00

Yup, spent the day home sick with a fucking migraine - not gluten induced. I stayed in bed trying to find a comfortable position to rest in and took some bened.ryl to help me get sleepy to try to sleep-off the migraine. Didn't eat until 4:30 p.m. because I was nauseous from the pain. I have a feeling the migraine came from anxiety. Anxiety about this cycle. About what the beta will reveal in 8 days. Where will that result take me? To mama land? Or into a depression spiral and questions of where do we go from here?

It's really tough to stay in the moment, in the present. Tough not to wonder about what's going to happen after beta day. I'm pretty sure this happens to everyone going through IVF and maybe even beyond. Some days of the 2ww are really upbeat and positive and "whatever will be will be" and then there are days of doubt and anxiety. This feeling/anxiety will end. I know there is a good possibility I will wake up with a new outlook or new sense of confidence and hope. I will fake it if I don't. I have acupuncture tomorrow with Jason and I hope he is able to help lift my confidence. I am continuing my meditation every night but tonight was HARD. Pain was still with me so it was hard to sit still and the thoughts were penetrating. But again, tomorrow will be a new day.

On another note, another thing causing me huge stress is my co-worker. I am part of a 3 person department. Myself and Irene (I'm going to call her) are full time and Cheryl is part time. Our schedule (Irene & I) is 8-5 Mon-Fri. Irene, because she has a reputation of tardiness, has a special schedule arrangement so she can work 8:30-5:30. Yes, my manager is a complete lame-ass. So, Irene has this special schedule arrangement and I can count on one hand the number of times she has come into work on time. Not just late, but 20 minutes to 1.5 hours late. Also, we get one 30 min break and two 15 min breaks but can combine them for one 1 hr lunch. Irene takes 1.5-3 hr breaks - yup! Then to top it all off, she'll leave EARLY for the day! Mind you, I've only been here for 10 months! My boss only JUST wrote her up for it in early July and only because I pestered him about it. When she is at work, she's texting or shopping online or generally fucking off. So when Dave wrote her up you would think she would be on time or curtail her general fucking off but nope, not Irene. Not one day in July was she on time. NOT ONE!!! Still, Dave has yet to speak with her again. I've done more write ups in my first day of work in my past jobs then he has done in his career as a manager. Fuck!

It stresses me out because I have to do ALL of the work -for me AND her. And he is not doing a damn thing about it. The culture here at this company is a little strange and I'm still getting a feel for just who is who they portray themselves to be. So I'm still trying to figure out if I could go to my bosses boss or to HR to get something done about it. But maybe I should shut up and look for a new job. Eeeeek! It's no wonder I can't sleep right now!

Oy . . . 2dp3dt

2010-08-16T19:47:00.003-04:00

Yep, I'm already starting the countdown. Already over analyzing every symptom/side effect. I'm feeling the effects of a fresh IVF cycle - bloated tummy, heavy feeling ute, fatigue, hunger, owwie boobies, emotional nut job, etc. I realize my embies are only now blastocysts and not ready to snuggle in yet and already my anxiety wants to fast forward the process and get to the beta! But, I can mark off this day and move on to 3dp3dt . . . tomorrow!

Okay, so this is just CUTE!!!

Weird subconscious

2010-08-15T16:51:00.002-04:00

. . . after I finished my post (just now) I found myself downstairs finishing off a jar of pickles I opened earlier today THEN serving myself a bowl of ice cream . . . I just sayin', that's weird!

A little R & R and breakfast in bed

2010-08-15T16:24:00.002-04:00

I had planned on taking the day after my transfer as a day I stay in bed and nap and watch bad TV or read or whatever. So today, this is what I have done AND I even got breakfast served to me in bed (a little burned but still very yummy). One thing Charlie does admit is that he is not a breakfast cook but the broccoli & sharp cheddar egg scramble he made this morning hit the spot along with a big glass of OJ.

Right now Charlie is attending the Italian Festival in the Old Port with Sophie nomming on pasta and cannolis and stuff I cannot have on my gluten free diet. I decided to stay home & not bum myself out totally. He did buy me some mint chocolate chip ice cream before he went to the pasta-o-rama - very nice of him.

So today, I have stayed in my PJ's and in my bed, napped on and off, watched bad TV and read. I'm feeling like I'm maxing the r & r factor. It's back to work tomorrow and the long wait for 8/26.

Snuggle in little ones!

2010-08-14T11:58:00.003-04:00

We had a successful transfer this morning of 3 embryos (7A, 7B & 7B)!! Yahoo!! They looked great and both the embryologist and the doc performing the transfer agreed! Now, the long 2ww . . . August 26th is beta day. I haven't yet decided if I'll be POAS but I'm gunna take it all one day at a time (sweet Jesus! ;) ). I also had a pre-transfer acupuncture treatment, was called to ask us to come for the transfer early, had a yummy breakfast then went for my post-transfer acupuncture treatment. Everything this morning went very smoothly and I am at peace!

Thank you all for your feedback. I'm super glad I stayed home to rest (I slept for 8 hrs last night) and feel just fine this morning (Charlie didn't get home until 11:30 p.m. so that in itself was confirmation that I did the right thing for ME). And thanks for all your support! I can't wait to post the positive beta results in a few weeks!

Love & snuggle in baybeeeees!

Is it wrong?

2010-08-13T18:59:00.002-04:00

Is it wrong that I take the day off to rest & prepare for transfer tomorrow? Is it wrong that I want to lay low and not go to the girl's camp to see their church camp play tonight in order to rest (they'll have more performances I can see)?

We'll be getting up at 5:00 a.m. to leave for Lexington for my acupuncture treatment before the transfer at 9:40 a.m. Charlie is miffed that I took the day off. He is miffed that I didn't want to attend the performance tonight. He is miffed I am spending "more" money on acupuncture which he really doesn't believe there is any connection with treatment & success rates of IVF. I am over him being miffed. His anxiety is stressing me out and the only thing he is doing to "help" his anxiety is that he has started smoking! Yea, that's helpful! Cigs are something like $6.75 a pack here! If he is anxious about money, why would he choose to spend that much on cigs . . . something that is soooo unhealthy?!

So, we are on a roll. Arguing the night before the ER and now this! Such a great environment to conceive a child. I will be chilling tonight and doing my meditation. Right after I give myself the PIO injection. Yea, that's nice.

So please, I need some feedback. Am I wrong? Please be honest. I do understand I have only given my version but I tried to stay on the fact-train. Choo choo!

Transfer tomorrow . . . maybe

2010-08-13T16:07:00.002-04:00

I got the call that we have 9 embies - no info as to the grading or anything, though (totally bummed). We are transferring tomorrow at 9:40 a.m. BUT may be pushed back to day 5 (Monday) and wont' be informed of such until after 8 a.m. Ahem, we live in Portland Maine - 2 hours away from the clinic. If our transfer is at 9:40, we'll be leaving Portland at 7:30 a.m. However, I could only get into the acupuncturist for a 7:45 appointment - yep, that means we'll be leaving Portland at 5:30 a.m. and won't find out about the transfer until I'm already in my acupuncture treatment IN Lexington! Oh well, I guess I'll be driving to Lexington regardless of transfer and that makes Charlie really anxious. The worst case scenario is we get up early, drive 2 hours for acupuncture and drive home. Not really that bad but Charlie is freaking out about the smallest details. Incredibly frustrating! I just need to roll with the punches - not worry about stuff I have no control over.

Oh my boobies

2010-08-12T19:06:00.002-04:00

Oh yea, I remember this feeling. The damn progesterone gives me all these lovely side effects. My boobies hurt and I am bloated (from the ER & PIO no doubt) and tired. I did receive a call from RSC today but only to check in on how I was feeling post ER. I was in some discomfort yesterday and had some spotting throughout yesterday and today but all-in-all not bad at all. I was hoping to get a call with the progress of my lil petri babies but nope. I can wait for tomorrow to hear how they are growing & dividing - how many successfully fertilized. It'll be a long day at work tired and anxious.

BTW, thanks girlies for all your support and well wishes!

XOXO

14 mature eggs!! Wahoo!!

2010-08-11T17:33:00.002-04:00

Holy moly!! I am soooo excited to hear that they retrieved 14 mature eggs today at the ER! Now I am a little sore and in need of lots of rest. I will be transferring on either Saturday or Monday depending on how those lil embies look!

Fertilize eggs - divide and conquer!!!

Sleepy yawn

2010-08-11T06:53:00.002-04:00

I took 1/2 day yesterday to just be home in the quiet and relax with my pups for today's ER. I accomplished that by jumping into my pj's and hopping into bed with my remote and furbabies. I actually fell asleep for 2.5 hours!! My!! I guess I needed that . . . then the hubs called and woke me up with "What are you doing??". He was a miffed that I took time off from work "frivolously" when I have missed some much time due to migraines. Ah hem . . . yep, you guessed it . . . world war III later that night. That's always good for the night before a really important surgical procedure.

I cried A LOT and we argued and I didn't get to sleep until 11:30 p.m. Not so great when the alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m. My headaches today and I'm hungry and thirsty as we are headed to Lexington. I really wanna down a bottle of water right about now with a couple ibuprofen but my ER is set for 9:30 a.m. and we need to be there for 8:30 a.m.

Sleepy I go into this important day praying there are LOTS of mature eggs to retrieve and that they all fertilize successfully!

eeeeeeekkk!!!!

2010-08-10T10:29:00.001-04:00

So frickin' nervous!

Trigger tonight and anxiety

2010-08-09T15:06:00.004-04:00

I'm finding myself super anxious . . . my fingernails are all gone and I feel like my hair is getting whiter by THE DAY!! My numbers are going up appropriately and I think I have some good follicles but it still seems to be a conservative number. I had acupuncture today and will be triggering tonight but I feel so anxious and scared by this! Last cycle we only retreived 6 eggs!!! And I am so worried I am poor responder! I have been told everything is going well but I am hesitant to believe it . . .

This is what 5 cycles of IVF does to you. It makes you CRAZY and makes you anxious beyond what you thought possible! I do things that are completely out of character for me when I'm feeling like my life is spiraling out of control and I feel regretful and pissed afterward.

On the trigger note, I am using an IM hCG trigger tonight at 9:30 p.m. for a Wednesday ER. That I am glad about - last time I was perscribed a subQ hCG and I think that is why they only retreived 6 mature eggs.

No control - none. Over any of this shit and I HAVE to learn to surrender. This will be my mantra and prayer over the next few weeks.

Stims day 12

2010-08-08T10:37:00.003-04:00

I had another ultrasound & blood work this morning. Don't know what the blood work results are yet but the ultrasound reveals that I have 7 follicles on the right: 10.0mm, 10.2mm, 11.3mm, 14.1mm, and 19.7mm. Two others that are just under 10mm. I have 10 follicles on the left: 10.5mm, 11.8mm, 13.7mm, 14.1mm, 15.0mm, 15.3mm, 16.8mm and 17.7mm. And again, two others that are just under 10mm. I'll get the lab results later this morning. It looks like I could be triggering mid week (maybe!).

I started the Ganir.elix on Saturday morning and yowzah, that is a tough shot to take! My belly looks like a bit of a war zone - it's bruised and welty. There are green and purple bruises and welts from the hives - sexy, eh? If it all gets me my little bambino in the end it is all worth it!

I have track marks on my arms

2010-08-06T10:09:00.002-04:00

I'm looking like a IV drug user! I've had blood work 3 days this week and I have four marks to prove it! My progress as of yesterday was e2 644, progesterone 0.2, LH 2.3 and 5 measurable follicles (4 on the left, 1 on the right) of 15 - 10 mm. They kept me at 225u of Gona.l F last night and wanted me in for more b/w this morning. I had acupuncture last night as well and Jason seemed a little puzzled by my results. He thinks they may increase the dose of the stims tonight based on the results and he gave me a back treatment. I had never had a back acupuncture treatment before and I got up slightly buzzed then a bit nauseous for a few hours. Jason did warn me about the "buzz" and nausea but I didn't believe him until it hit me when I tried to stand up afterwards! Whoa baby! He also wants me to email him when I get the results of today's b/w to set up our next treatment. His treatments are so much more involved that I feel like we are maximizing the potential of the acupuncture to increase the chance of success of the cycle. I really like him too! He is very attentive and is quite funny too! (A little cute too! :) )

I await my results from today's b/w, am pretty busy at work (as I am the only one here today in the lab) and will be headed to a friend's camp later on tonight for a lil summer gathering. Looking forward to that for sure - I'll be missing a cold beer at the camp but will try a new Riesling I picked up because I know I can have a glass of cold wine on my gluten free diet. And did I say I am looking forward to that?

Oh yea I am!

My boy is a star!!!

2010-08-04T19:21:00.006-04:00

I cannot believe I forgot to post this!!!!! My boy Skippy is a local star! Yesterday he made his lil star debut as the Portland Press Herald weather dog on the online paper pressherald.com and . . . ready . . . here is this picture . . .

drumroll pahleeeeze . . .

dddddadadadaddaaddadadaddadadadaddadaddadadadada

Tah Dah!!!!!!

Hehehehe You can even see that he is missing a tooth! Hahahahahahaha I just love him sooo much! How can you NOT! He is just the cutest, sweetest boy on the planet!

My friend Cheryl asked me if that was his real "smile" or if they superimposed the joker's smile on him hahahahhahaha Nope! That's his authentic SMILE!! All Skippy!

Stims day 6

2010-08-04T08:29:00.005-04:00

Itchy. Scratchy. Hives. Driving.me.nuts! I'm on a much higher dose of stims this round than I have been on in the past. The Folli.stim was days 1, 2, 3 & 4 and yesterday morning I woke up with huge welts on my tummy localized around the injection sites and my belly button. They ITCH SO BAD! Yesterday I was off and took ben.edryl throughout the day and subsequently slept most of the day too. The topical stuff only works for so long. Last night I switched to Gona.l F because this was another freebie tossed my way from the nursing team (thank you, thank you, thank you!!!) so I am hoping the hives will go away but they are still with me today and still really.flippin.itchy.

On another note, I had my first monitoring ultrasound & blood work yesterday. It's nice that my u/s was early at 7 a.m. but the lab doesn't open until 8:30 a.m. so either I wait or come back at 8:30. Boooo!! The u/s was not friendly this time - not that having an u/s wand in your vag is really friendly but, it was uncomfortable and I only had 3 follicles worth measuring. My e2 was 142 and my acupuncturist didn't seem to believe that number. Whatever. I have another u/s & b/w tomorrow same time. Oh, I forgot to tell you the best part - I passed out while they were drawing blood. Yep, that's a first for me! I think it was because I was on cold medicine and benedryl plus a little dehydrated. They had to stick me twice and usually that is not an issue but I guess yesterday was a special day for me! My mom told me I was the most sensitive person she knows . . . is that bad? Not that I can do anything about this sensitivity - she passed along her "delicate" genes to me! (Yea, sorry, I get a little steamed sometimes and I am on hormones! Cut me some slack!)

Gluten free is going well so far. I will say I am a little cranky when Charlie says "I'll do it too to help support you" and has not even tried this lovely lifestyle change! Meanwhile he's eating his yummy pizza and eggplant Parmesan subs like rubbing it in my face (uh huh, I actually had to help him unwrap that delicious smelling eggplant parm sub so he could eat and drive and it smelled sooooooo goooooood) - yea, that's some good support. Geeze Louise! Whatever, I know this is my gig but still, it would be helpful to walk this walk with my partner by my side with emotional support. I picked up some ice cream that I can have and fixed a big bowl of it last night and . . . . . . it gave me a gigantic belly ache! I think I'm going to have to give up dairy products too but I'm not quite ready to give up cheese, milk and ice cream right now. I think there may be a connection for me with migraines - NO MIGRAINES IN 2 WEEKS!!! The weather has been better - lower humidity - but last week was PMS/period week and I didn't have one! I almost always have at least one during the 7 days before or after I start. Progress!

STRESS

2010-07-30T15:13:00.008-04:00

Hi all! Yes, I am feeling just a bit stressed . . . like, what's new right? I have been making up hours at work (like 10 days straight! of 9 hour days!)which is great because I am not loosing my benefits! Yahoo!! But the hours are killing me and I'm on my period so I'm already exhausted - I gotta do what I gotta do so I'll suck it up and stop my bitchin' . . . about that anyway ;)

I got confirmation that my big. fat. check. arrived at it's destination safely - after I personally Fe.dEx'd it overnight. I am so relieved about that piece - it could've been really bad. Charlie picked up my Fol.listim from RSC but no pen to administer the medication. Eeeeek! Kinda need that piece. But the nurses are hooking me up here so I should be ok. I thought that they had enough of the free samples to get me through my cycle - turns out it should only get me to the first monitoring which will be on Tuesday. So I do need to order the Gon.alF and it will still cost me a good chunk of change. Still, better than it was originally going to be so I'll shut up about that.

NOT impressed with Women.'s Well.ness which is where we have to do all our monitoring. Remember the sonographer who told me I had a c-section? Um, yup . . . well, turns out they don't do ultrasounds on Fridays! Isn't that GREAT!? So now the nurses had to scramble this morning to try to get me into some place to do my suppression check. Gratefully, ME Med.ical Par.tners Mater.nal & Fet.al Medicine could squeeze me in! And they drew my labs too! Awesome!

Acupuncture? Yes please! I got in this afternoon for my first acupuncture treatment since October 2009. Loved it and the practitioner! Jason was amazing. I can't wait to go again on Tuesday. And I feel like I'm in great hands. He asked how I was feeling emotionally going into this cycle - I paused and took a deep breath and he said, "That says it all". I am excited and hopeful but IVF really is like a full time job and working a paying full time job on top of that is exhausting! Not to mention the emotional baggage from the losses and failed cycles. I'm working on it though. Tonight I start my IVF meditation and will continue through the cycle.

Gluten free is looking like the way for me. Boo . . . I am bummed about this new "diet" I have to try. I have tried multiple pharmaceutical approaches to rid myself of migraines but have been dragging.my.feet on the diet/food-link to my migraines. So, reluctantly I go, pushing through the expensive gluten free sections at the supermarkets to find alternatives. Luckily there are lots of yummy items out there! It's only been 5 days but so far so good - usually the week of my period is horrible with headaches but I have not had even one. However, I don't know if there is a true correlation with food or if it that I have had to literally PUSH through to work my ass off to keep my benefits. I tend to believe there is a connection with the gluten and that I will eventually have to eliminate . . . . gasp . . . dairy. But for now, I am only taking away gluten products. I'll tackle that later . . . maybe.

So the stress of all of the above got to me last night and I broke down at couples therapy with Charlie. I just couldn't stop crying. Work was shitty yesterday but I was totally overwhelmed by (see above). It was not the best time for me to be in couples therapy. I couldn't really give 100% to Charlie at that session. Oops. Onward and upward. He has been showering me with support and love and it is has been wonderful.

I am lucky to have him by my side. Now, to de-stress. That will be my job for the weekend.

~Om~

Mur.phy's Law

2010-07-28T08:28:00.002-04:00

It figures, I sent the big fat check out last Tuesday which should have been received by now (sent to New York) . . . last night I received a call from the financing company that the check has yet to be received! OMG!!!!! I didn't exhale until 8 am this morning! At 7:30 am I booked it to the credit union - check had not been cashed! Cancelled that check, received another cashier's check, now running to FedE.x to overnight this damn thing to NY!

To top it all off, I started my period this morning - that is a bit of a yay! I get to start the meds . . . however my FREE Foll.istim is still in Lexington MA and Charlie has to pick it up!! Yikes! Now to juggle work appointments to drive 2 hrs there and 2 hrs back AND get the meds to the refrigerator. He'll be bringing a cooler and cool packs for the trip.

Whew! I'm also coming down with Charlie's cold (thanks babe for sharing your germs) and my throat is sore and my sinuses are dripping - yummy. Not to mention, I'm on a 9 day stretch of work so I can keep my job and my benefits. Holy moly! I'm exhausted!

Now for acupuncture to relax (and increase my success rate) and fertility meditation!

~Om~

Acupuncture & Bot.ox

2010-07-22T17:25:00.003-04:00

All about needles today! I called to make an appointment with my Acupuncturist to co inside with my upcoming cycle and found out she'll be on maternity leave starting after next week!! Holy surprise! I didn't even know she and her partner were trying! But it all made me feel a little jilted. Like, aw man, how is it the les.bian couple can get pregnant on the first try and it's taking me so damn long!!??!? Now, I don't actually know if it was their first try but when I was seeing her last summer/fall she was really not very knowledgeable about IVF and the process. So this news took me totally by surprise. And I want to make it VERY CLEAR . . . I am soooo happy they are blessed with this tiny being! So excited for them! And I'm not doing the whole "why me" thing totally, its more like "why NOT me". Anyhow, I'll be seeing her business partner Jason for the IVF Acupuncture treatments starting next Friday. I am excited to go back to Acupuncture - at the very least, it's totally relaxing!

My co-worker was telling me about something she read - Boto.x as a treatment for migraines so I did a little search on Dr. Goog.le and it looks like a very substantial treatment. At least something I maybe should look into along with researching the cost of such a treatment because, of course, it's not covered by insurance - duh! It's all worth a shot . . . hahaha, get it, a shot! Yeah, I kill me! (pathetic, I know)

I wanna grow one of these!!

2010-07-20T11:17:00.003-04:00

Seriously . . . anyone know where I can find seeds to this tree?? I just sent off the big, fat check for my petri dish baby. It feels good to have this checked off my list of to do's for this cycle. Now I can write another fat one for the meds coming in the next week. Sheesh! The way I'm spending I'll need a few of these in the yard for my family! ;-)

I'm affraid I'm going to loose my job

2010-07-15T13:54:00.002-04:00

So, July is turning out to be a stellar month. I always HATE July. Every year. It's hot and humid and hard to breathe because of the lack of air movement. My head always hurts this time of year and the heat and humidity brings migraines outside my typical menstrual migraines. June I averaged 35 hrs per week. So far in July I've missed 4 1/2 days of work. Which means I may loose my benefits starting in August. It also means I could loose my JOB! I mean seriously. If I cannot work consistently because of my migraines what the hell am I supposed to do?!? And of course, Charlie is freaking out about the fact that I can hardly sit vertically to exist at home much less to be functional enough to work. I'm worried I am going to loose my job - not worried about how it's going to affect me but how Charlie will react. To not have the stress of having to work 8-5 Mon-Fri would be huge but the cost would be detrimental to the household. I just don't know what to do.

Big News!!

2010-07-13T10:08:00.005-04:00

I got a call from my brother last night. "What's up?", I ask. "Not much, just sitting here with mom & Heather," he replies. "And you're missing me, right?" I quickly respond (really, I think I'm funny and I laugh at myself). "How would you feel about becoming an Auntie again?" he asks.

WHAT?!?!?!

Really?!? Heather's pregnant?!?

OMG!! I am so happy and sad I immediately burst into uncontrollable tears - I mean, the ugly cry. Sobbing. Mess. Me. Then I hear Brock, Heather & mom crying. I feel bad - they're crying because they think I'm sad. They feel bad for the infertile. They were scared to tell me. But I reassure them that they are tears of joy (really, more joy than sadness, really. truly) and I couldn't be happier. My heart pours for this blessing! It really does!

There was one moment when I allowed myself to think "Why isn't it that easy for me?" while I was on the phone with them. Charlie heard my squeals and came to the bedroom. He shared congratulations to both of them but just put his head on my shoulder because he knew. He just knew. After the phone call ended I fell apart on his chest and he held me. I went on to ruminate about this for the entire night. Not one hour of sleep last night.

I can't even tell you what the thoughts were that kept me awake all night. More than thoughts were the emotions of happiness and sadness. So happy! This will be my brother's first biological child. I'm so happy for them. At the same time, I'm so sad. Sad for me. Sad for the two babies I've lost. Ugh. Sad for my family that they are sad for me - that totally doesn't make any sense but that's what is with me right now.

On another side of this twisted great news, this is amazing baby dust for me going into this cycle! Right? I mean, to be surrounded with all this pregnancy energy . . . seriously! Hopefully this will be AMAZING for us!

Feeling hopeful

2010-07-12T12:18:00.002-04:00

That is the word of the day today - HOPEFUL! I google-imaged the word "hope" and this was of the images that popped up and for some reason it really spoke to me. I have not "rejoiced in (my) suffering" before but I definitely feel that it produces perseverance and that it all molds character. So, for today, I have lots of hope for this upcoming cycle. This is the cycle I will take home a baby of my own!

Workin' on a Saturday (well, not workin' too hard)

2010-07-10T08:51:00.004-04:00

Yea, I'm one of those who work a Monday through Friday work week. However, I'm also one of those who have a chronic condition that takes me OUT OF MY LIFE for many days of each month - including work. I met with the HR director yesterday about my migraines and that realistically I miss work and I'm trying really hard to find some answers, but all I can do when they hit is duck and cover. I missed Tuesday, half of Wednesday and Thursday due to them this week. Of the menstrual migraine cycle and on the heat/humidity cycle - I flippin HATE July and August! Last summer I spent 65 days with migraine!! 65 Days!!! Anyway, I wanted to discuss my options to keep my job and work around this issue - because after 17 years, they're only getting worse in my 30's (my mom's were worse in her 30's too). The HR director is new in her position so she going to "get back to (me)" with more information. On a side note, how do you get a director position and not be an expert in your field?!?

I am excited for the cycle coming! I got word yesterday that our home equity line of credit is fully re-established meaning we have a much bigger padding $$$ wise should be need it. I cried when I got the phone call - such a huge relief!

HOWEVER, this cycle is THE cycle where I get and stay pregnant AND take home a healthy baby in the end. I'm still sooooooo nervous though. I'm not sure how I cannot be. One full year of IVF attempts and 2 babies lost. It all weighs heavy on my heart and mind. But the $$ security really is huge and I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my burdened shoulders - more significant than I thought.

One thing I have learned through this process is that it is better to have low or no expectations for pretty much everything. It's tough to do that when all your focus is on getting pregnant and having a family. But I'll try to keep perspective. And PRAY!

Still so tired

2010-07-07T08:24:00.002-04:00

I can't seem to get out of my own way! Hmmm, it feels like I've said this before . . . anyway. This is what I feel like and what I would most like to do right now!

I am so tired. Not to mention that we are having a bit of a heat wave here in Maine (and most of the east coast, as it seems). Yesterday it was 95 but felt like 104 and boy do I believe that! It felt like a bazillion degrees and 100% humidity! Have I mentioned that I hate heat and humidity? Well, I do . . . I am a ginger, I don't fair well in the hot sun or lack of moving hot air. My migraines kick in horribly when the weather is hot and humid as well. All of which made yesterday a horrid day. Luckily, I have air conditioning in my bedroom but I still missed work and spent the day in pain. My little baby Gracie (pupper) is wonderful when I'm not well - she snuggles up with me all day! I just love it! Migraine is still with me today but is less intense - so I am here at work trying to stay awake and be productive. The lights are incredibly bright but it is cool (air temp wise) - I hope to make it through the day. Last year during this time I spent 65 days in migraine. I was not working so at least I could surrender to the pain and hide in my dark bedroom. This year I worry for my job. Not fun.

Anyway, back to work & trying to stay awake!

Celebrations of life & love

2010-07-03T07:55:00.002-04:00

This weekend is bitter sweet for some of my extended family. Charlie's niece Stacie is marrying her high school sweetheart, Ben, tomorrow ~ celebration of love. On Monday, Ben's best man (and best friend) Dan took his own life ~ celebration of life. Dan's wake was Thursday and funeral service was yesterday. Ben & Stacie are heartbroken by this but I pray yesterday brought some closure so they can truly celebrate their union tomorrow.

Lucy Rose

2010-06-29T13:16:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was my due date for my lil one lost in November. It hits me really hard this time - tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I found out that the first lil gummy bear's heart stopped beating and I had the D&C on the 1st of July. Lots of heavy stuff this week.

When we first started TTC Charlie and I had chosen the name Lucy Rose if our first was a girl - Barbara's middle name is Lucille and Sophie's middle name is Rose so we wanted it to be a nice relation to the girls. Sort of an homage . . .

So when we found out the genetic info from the latest D&C we also found out it was a girl. This girl would have been Lucy Rose.

My heart is broken about this anniversary stuff. The only thing I can do is to focus on the next cycle and the only thing I can focus on for this next cycle is $$$. Trying to get all the correct info in to the appropriate people is NUTS. I am so grateful that An.them has covered all the cycles up til now.

So I'll say a little prayer for my angel babies watching over me and hopefully guiding this next cycle to success. I love you my babies!

Feeling frustrated . . . but thats nothing new

2010-06-20T20:32:00.004-04:00

Spent. Frustrated. Pissed off. Wanting to wake up from this frickin nightmare. Yea, that pretty much is a smidge of the verbal diarrhea that came tumbling out of my head. Happy Father's Day to my husband - his girls are 12 and almost 17 - one is here, the other is working at "God Camp" all summer. Both made him very nice cards (so much better than the store-bought cards). I called my dad to say that I love him - but I do that on a regular basis anyway. I'm a little bummed I couldn't be with him today but I saw him last weekend and will probably see him again soon.

I feel a million miles away from Charlie. I feel like our marriage is falling apart. Early on when we were dating I told him that I wanted children and that I would totally understand if he was not at the same place - wanting more children. I asked him to REALLY think about this point before answering me because I was so totally ok with walking away if our long-term goals were not in line. He did take some time and told me about a week later that he would be open to having more children and that he wanted us to continue our relationship. As it got more serious I broached the question again and he said that he wanted to have a reversal but only after we were married. Then, 7 weeks before our wedding date in 2004 he told me he wanted to postpone the wedding. Good reason, he was within his first year of recovery and I was 100% supportive of this - please don't think I resent him for this because I do NOT. We set a NEW wedding date for October 2005 and it was great. HOWEVER, he told me he did NOT want to think about the reversal until after we'd been married a year. *sigh* In the meantime, I had been the only one researching the procedure and the statistics and the wait period with the best surgeon in the area, etc, etc. November 2006 we have the reversal. The surgeon tells us we should be pregnant by January 2007.

Charlie didn't even think we would have a hard time conceiving. Never thought it would take repeated tests and NEVER thought we'd be doing IVF much less that we wouldn't have a baby in our arms after four long years. Now he's not sure he wants to spent that kind of money at his age (he's 52 and we're talking $17,000 for the the multi-cycle plan through our RE - that's as much as we financed for my car in November and he didn't even bat an eye!).

So, yes, the frustration continues. We'll be seeing a marriage counselor on Wednesday to try to help us figure this all out and help our marriage survive this process.

Postponed yet again

2010-06-18T17:48:00.001-04:00

Yup. IVF #5 postponed yet another month. August - maybe. Looking for $$ for this cycle. The $10,000 is due two weeks before the cycle starts. Whatever.

Back to baby-makin'

2010-06-12T05:51:00.004-04:00

Back to, what the last 4 years have been all about, BABY-MAKIN'!! I am in the middle of appealing the insurance denial, faxing all necessary paperwork to RSC for July's cycle, discussions with the mortgage company for potential home equity loan for the $10,000 we need BEFORE we start the July cycle . . . oh and working and life outside of baby-makin'! Whew! I'm really wishing I could be not working full-time and doing all this - after all, THIS is a full-time job!

But that's not reality so I'll quit my bitchin'! :-) I'm psyched that this cycle is going to be shorter (it seems) without Lup.ron . . . just stims, estrace, trigger, ER (oh yea, PIO too) then ET. All in a matter of 14-21 days! Yahoo! I'm soooooo praying that we get LOTS of mature eggs and great embies to transfer and hopefully freeze - oh, did I tell you we're transferring 3 embies this time?! Yippee! Let's up those chances of at least one sticking! I've gotta believe this is the cycle I will be gifted my lil one - just gotta!

Charlie is on board but still really uneasy with the $$ of it all but we are only in forward motion here - no backing out of anything now - at least, that's my attitude.

I've just gotta BELIEVE!!!

I am a Survivor

2010-06-02T12:34:00.005-04:00

I've been waiting some time to write this post. In April, I posted about the 8 year anniversary of my rape. I received some very loving and supporting comments that I am SO grateful for. And I received a comment from a very well-meaning person out there insisting I am wasting time and energy on hating my rapist. Instinctively I agree. I feel that hate is a waste of energy that could be spent in a much more positive manner. I also feel that hate is an emotion - a vehicle - that allows my rapist to continually assault me.

However, when I recount the violence that was reined on me that night it is not to spend this time focused on this cowardly asshole. It is to tell my story and part of my story is that I hate that he decided to act out his violence on me. I am disgusted by him. I am repulsed by his spineless actions. A part of me does hate him but HATE does not control me or my life or take my life from me.

I tell my story for many reasons. Firstly, I, like so many other victims, have been silent about this part of my history. I have shared this with some close friends and some family members. Not many people know I am a rape survivor. I did not attempt to report this vicious act of violence. This is like the majority of women and men who are sexually assaulted every day - the justice system does not advocate for victims thus we are silent and perpetraters remain to walk the streets and potentially violate someone else. This is the extent of which I will discuss the justice system regarding sexual assault and rape. Secondly, I refused to believe I was raped for a very long time and by telling my story I begin to heal. As part of my recovery I have suffered through a rape victims version of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder known as Rape Trauma Syndrome. I only started to heal when I started to tell my story. And thirdly, I AM A SURVIVOR! I survived the rape. I am living my life today. He does not control me or my life. I refuse to let him continue to brutalize me. To have power over me by keeping me silent - I tell my story to take power back.

For me, the hate I spoke of in my anniversary post is not a waste of energy or negativity I am putting out into the universe. Hate was only a small part of that post. I want those who read that post to hear my story. I am healing. It is part of my past.

Hate does not write my future.

Memorial Weekend & unexpected diagnosis

2010-05-29T21:41:00.003-04:00

Ah, the ultimate sign of the summer season. We all usually take a moment or two to remember those we have lost or to recognize those who have served or are still serving our country - to protect our freedom. Charlie and I are doing so this weekend - visiting graves and planting some flowers. We also have taken a moment today to remember our two babies we lost this year. I've lost my grandfather, my grandmother, and two babies this past year. It bums me out a little. My second due date is approaching - June 28th. *sigh* Maybe I'll be transferring embies or on my two week wait during this memorial passing. Hopefully I will be in some sort of preparation for my baby.

OMG, I totally forgot to mention . . . I got my labs back from my primary this week! As it turns out I am anemic AND severely vitamin D deficient! Go figure I've been exhausted and experiencing muscle pain. My doctor is not at all counting out fibromyalgia though, and I am so glad he is taking this seriously. Anyway, for now he has me on ferrous sulfate supplements along with 4000 units of vit D but I need to speak with the RE nursing team to make sure all is ok to continue with IVF. I've also started the Folbic and the 81 mg aspirin. This all adds up to quite the number of pills I take daily (on top of the prenatal and prenatal DHA) - sheesh!

Happy Memorial Weekend all!!

Denied

2010-05-22T08:53:00.001-04:00

Insurance has denied coverage. Not sure what this means for my marriage. Totally at a loss.

A new day

2010-05-20T08:40:00.002-04:00

Deep cleansing breath . . . Yes, today is a new day. There is a little more peace in my heart today - a special thanks to Judy, thanks for being my rock to lean on yesterday. I am grateful for the amazing friends I have that allow me to fall apart and still think I am a pretty ok person. Tonight I am meeting up with some of those friends for some yummy new summer ales that are just out - and hopefully enjoying those bevies on a deck somewhere in the Old Port overlooking Casco Bay. It is supposed to be warm here today and I am looking forward to all of that!

I am choosing to brush off that negativity from yesterday and look into the sun today. And today, she is smiling back at me.

Namaste

Difficult and painful discussions; a sonographer from HELL

2010-05-19T09:56:00.003-04:00

We finally had a very difficult discussion last night. And we still don't have answers but we have opened the line of communication on this topic. I am having a TON of anxiety not knowing the state of our marriage should this cycle not be successful and I needed some conversation around this last night. I feel like I cannot stop trying right now. All signs point to "Yes" on the question of whether or not I can conceive - it doesn't appear to be a problem with my baby-maker. And who knows if I could conceive naturally with someone who's gear isn't busted. I don't mean to sound . . . oh, I don't know . . . insensitive or harsh. But I have never tried to conceive with anyone else.

So we attempt a discussion. And it didn't go well. Needless to say, we'll be having more conversation around this topic but I don't feel really good about it all. I wish this wasn't such a divisive issue. In the meantime, I am drained and tapped out.

I had the 2nd attempt at a sonohyst yesterday and the sonograher was, well, not really customer service oriented - and this is who will be doing my monitoring this cycle! She states, "Oh, I understand your uterus didn't want to cooperate last Thursday", "No", I say, "The sonographer wasn't the best at this procedure, so I was told by the doctor. AND it was last Friday." "Yeah", she replies. Ugh! As she starts to take some measurements she askes me if I have had any pregnancies. I say "Yes, two". She then states, "Oh, yes, I can see you've had a Cesarean". Hmmmm, funny, but I haven't had a Cesarean! So I ask her how she can tell this from, um, her, ummm, angle. She starts to show me that my ute is a little tipped and "that's how most post c-sections are" . . . hmmmm. So I tell her that I miscarried in the first trimesters both times and have had two D & C's so I'm not totally sure what she's seeing from the transvag ultrasound of my ute!

NOT IMPRESSED!!

She was a little stunned but still very cocky! She goes on to say, "So, we're going to be doing an IUI?" . . . uh, no. I leave it at that. I then tell her, "I really appreciate someone who does some homework. Like opening my chart at least - this is my 5th IVF cycle." She quickly apologizes and then proceeds to escort me to the bathroom to completely empty my bladder. Urgh! I walk back to the room afterwards and she tells me the doc will be right in.

I THEN WAIT 25 MINUTES half naked on a table!!!

I start to get someone to help me and she comes down the hall - SHE - the sonographer. She walks me back to the room as I say, "Thank you, I've been waiting for 25 minutes." She said that the doctor is having issues with her computer and will be right in - then she proceeds to tell me about this procedure - uh, yea, I've had three of them but whatever, I just shut up. I don't want to deal with her any further.

The doctor FINALLY comes in and does the procedure without issue - my ute is amazing as I suspected!

Not really the best way to start a cycle . . . yuck! First, the RE is late for my consult appointment, then asks me questions he should already know during the visit! Second, the sonohyst is partially performed last Friday - essentially, I got my ute flushed with 4 tbsp of saline! Third, the re-scheduled sonohyst is performed with a cocky, know-it-all sonographer who really doesn't know anything at all. WTF???!!!