Today is my due date

But I'm not 40 weeks pregnant. I'm 30 weeks out from my first miscarriage. Sad day for me. I just wanted to stay in bed yesterday and today. Charlie didn't even have a clue when I asked him if he what today was . . . and when I told him he just said he was sorry. What else can he say, really?

I'm feeling very much disconnected from my husband. I asked him if he could make the call to the couples counselor that we agreed we need to see and he asked me to call the RE to find out how much we would need to pay for the next cycle. Its kinda like "I'll do it but you gotta find out how much we might be paying if we are going to do another cycle". I asked him how the two are related - why put those two together - and he said that he'd like to have all the information out on the table. WTF? Ugh!

I've been getting headaches daily over the past few weeks so I got a new Rx for Max.alt to try to nip the migraines in the bud (while I'm at work) but when I picked it up from the pharmacy it cost me $60 for 6 tablets! That's $10/tablet! And, it might not catch the migraine . . . holy shit!

Fun, fun . . . *sigh* I want my condo!

So, I have this fant.asy . . .

. . . that I have my own condo somewhere no one knows about. It's called my Condo Fantasy (clever title, I know). That I live alone with no one to pick up after, no one to mess up my bathroom or kitchen. No one to go through my stuff. Where the whole place is mine, not just half of a bedroom. Somewhere when I clean, it stays clean unless I mess it up. Where I can get away and be myself. Do what I want. Have guests over at my leisure. Or not. Get up early or sleep in late. Take looooooong showers or loooooooong hot baths with no one to interrupt or complain. Somewhere quiet in the woods . . . where I don't have to close the shades.

I dream . . .

Shouldn't fat keep you warm??

Goodness, I understand it's January AND I do live in Maine but man, it's cold! I am grateful to have a nice warm house with cute little pups on my lap to keep me toasty!

Since my last post Charlie and I have decided that we know that the current step in baby-making is to take some time off and that should include discussing it for a short time. We also decided that the next step is one more cycle. Then we'll reassess. For now, time off means time off - chill on the discussions, baby magazines, etc. We need some time without the stress of the process.

So my fat should keep me warm . . . right? I started with a personal trainer this week. I'm only buying a package of three sessions for now. She took measurements and a start weight (bleck) and started me on a program. I'll meet with her again next week to go deeper in a training session. During the last part of yesterday's session I was winded and my quads were wobbly, I got emotional . . . not just a little teary . . . I was in full-on uncontrollable cry. I was so sad upon the realization of how far out of shape I am and how depression/migraines and IF has beaten my body! I am out of shape and fat and heavier than I have ever been and I'm in the fight of my life. I'm so glad I am getting back on track with healthy nutrition and exercise and get back some of myself I have covered up and buried under all this adipose tissue. Now I get why the Bigg.est Lo.oser contestants cry within the first few weeks because of the realization of where they are and who they've lost in the process of gaining weight.

I'll loose some of this warm fat in the upcoming weeks. My mom and I are going on vacation together in April to visit a friend in Florida!! What a kind and generous gift my mom offered . . . she's paid for the plane tix and we'll be staying with one of her best friends when we are there so we'll get to spend some good time together and splurge a little on each other for the first time as two adults/mother and daughter. I am excited to spend some one-on-one time with my mum!

Bundle up everyone, from what I understand it is cold just about everywhere . . . and all the fat we're loosing is not helping to keep us warm. Thinspiration to all on this weight loss journey!!

What do you do when your husband wants to stop?

Another conversation about stopping TTC . . . still on opposite sides. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. Over the four years we dated before getting married I have always been 100% clear that if he did NOT want to have more children that I respect that decision immensely but I had to move on because it is my purpose. I need to have children. We went back and forth on that issue for quite some time because it is so important. The decision was made and now that it is proving difficult he wants to change his mind. That remains a deal breaker for me . . .

So what do you do when your husband wants to stop?

I'm 33 years old . . . and I love my husband . . .

Hmmmm

Having a tough time lurking onto other blog sites and posting on my own. Spent Christmas Eve in the ER with a MAJOR MIGRAINE that started during my last post. I tried my best to shop a little after working a half day but finally raised the white flag at around 3:30 p.m. and nothing touched it besides whatever the ER PA gave me via IV Thursday night. Ugh . . . slowly got up to do gifts with the girls and Charlie on Christmas morning then promptly back to bed to sleep for the entire day. Still in pain with the migraine - yuck! I struggled Saturday at a family gathering and slept until noon on Sunday. These migraines kick my ass. I went to work this morning but left early with, yes, migraine. Slept most of today.

I HATE MIGRAINE PAIN!!! It sucks beyond words . . . .


Please, please, please release me from this pain!

Its a difficult time . . .

Tuesday at 10:30 a.m. marked one year has passed since I heard "I'm so sorry Alison, you're not pregnant" ending the fist IVF cycle. It's been almost 2 years since we started this process. I am incredibly busy at work which keeps my mind stimulated while I'm there but I am emotionally numb and unavailable for anyone around me outside of the lab. I am physically and emotionally exhausted when I get home from work and my body is sore and aching daily. The other night Charlie wanted me to wrap gifts with him and I had no interest in participating in anything - I just want to numb out in front of the TV until my body decides its time to sleep. Consequently I haven't done much Christmas shopping and today I have to finish it up.

You see, with my first pregnancy, my due date was January 24th, 2010. My husband's nephew's wife's due date was January 11th, 2010. She gave birth on this past Saturday (December 19th). At 11:38 a.m. at 6lbs. 10oz. 20 inches long, Reid Murphy VanDerburgh entered the world. We went in to Mercy to see her that afternoon. She allowed me to hold him and he is perfect. She suffered a missed-miscarriage last November. She knew how I was feeling - so much joy for her and sad for the us and the babies I have lost. This last weekend also marked what would have been the start of my second trimester of the second pregnancy - with my baby girl.

So. I'm a little disconnected. I'm a lot sad. I am enjoying the busy nature of work. I am checked out of my personal life. I am physically sore and achy. I have daily headaches. I am exhausted - emotionally and physically. I'm not available to my husband or step-daughters. I feel like I want to sleep for DAYS to restore and rejuvenate my spirit. I normally love this time of year . . . and I do, there are a lot of reminders right now of what I have lost in this past year and they slurp away the joy and excitement of Christmas - just for now. Not forever, just in this moment. I have hope for the future - a lot of hope in fact. I just need to move through this moment. I'll be ok, our marriage will be ok. I just have to work through it.

Saturday December 26th will mark my first blogaversary. Woohoo!